Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/2/2009

Question
My girlfriend & I been on & off for 13 years
Our problem is the same vicious cycle. I take her back & find out about her flirting, then I get hurt, breakup and then I allow myself to get sucked back in. I love her very much, but I tell her it hurts me when she flirts, but she says her flirting doesn't mean anything. She says she does not like attention from men, but why do these men always try to sleep with her.why does she keep such acquaintances. If it is nothing why does she hide the fact flirting is going on.

Answer
Dear David,
13 years is quite a long time to be with a person.  I can see why it would be difficult for you as the person you are speaking of is quite familiar to you.  I'm sorry to hear of the trouble you are experiencing.

Without seeing her and talking to her, I am unable to answer the questions about why she does what she does.  What I can tell you is that she is not being sensitive to your feelings and is not connected to the hurt that is being caused by flirting.  If the behavior didn't mean something, she wouldn't be doing it.  There is some kind of payoff for her or she wouldn't engage in behavior like that.  Without knowing the dynamics of your relationship, I don't know where the commitment level is so I am unable to say much more.

The main question here David is why you keep going back to an obviously hurtful and uncommitted relationship.  This person does not sound like she wants to be in a committed relationship and you sound as though you do, so the two goals don't match.  In these kinds of things, you have to listen to the behavior rather than the words.  

In a healthy relationship, individuals listen to and are aware of behaviors they engage in which hurt the other person.  If that person is a priority to them, they do their best to change whatever hurtful behaviors are being done in favor of preserving the integrity of the relationship.  I don't see that happening here and if this behavior has not changed after 13 years, I would suggest to you that without some kind of professional help, it probably isn't going to.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

There is a cycle of abuse happening here.  The abuse cycle starts out with whatever the behavior is which leads up to the event, which in your case is flirting.  After the event, the person apologizes, says they will change, it won't happen again and then there is a honeymoon period for awhile, until the next event.  This is when you get sucked back in.  This cycle will keep repeating and keep repeating until someone ends it or there is some professional help for the abuser.  Volumes have been written on this cycle of abuse so I'm sure you could find information on it if you want to.  Just Google cycle of abuse.

Whatever you decide to do, I would encourage you to engage in some counseling to help you with why you keep going back to someone who mistreats you.  There are definite issues behind that and it would be helpful for you to explore them with someone who is trained to help in those areas.

I wish you the best as you make your upcoming decisions.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com