Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/23/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now and living together for nearly 4 years. I have spoken to experts but am not sure if I am in an abusive relationship or not. There have been maybe 5 incidents of physical violence towards me, kicking doors in while i hide behind them, grabbing me by the throat, slapping, shoving, however I also hit him too once while we were driving and he tried to grab the wheel during an argument, so i guess I'm no better. My issue is that it's mainly emotional stuff, nothing that I ever do seems good enough, he puts me down, puts my job down (he earns much more than I do), he picks on me about my hobbies (i love live bands) and say's that I am like a kid, he hates all my friends and never say's that I can't see my family but somehow manages to make it difficult for me. I can't count how many times he has thrown me out of the house, he say's that I take him for a ride because he pay's for most things. He can't seem to see that he earns thre times what I do and what I pay, pay's for something! He asked me to marry him a few years ago and i said yes, but then he totally switched off from it and kept bringing things up like he did not want me anymore, 'we want different things' He wanted to live abroad, he would not talk about the wedding at all. Eventually it got to a point that I did not bring it up at all. He got a job that made the earning gap much wider and he hated it, every day for six months he talked about it and I tried everything to try and help him, I can say hand on heart that I loved him dearly and all I wanted to do was make him feel better, I was always there to talk. But afterwards he would just say - nothing that you say or do makes me feel better. I felt totally useless. I used to take a bath every evening just to cry about it because I did not want to stress him and if i had any problems he said I was selfish. Then he started getting jealous of bathtime and even made that difficult for me. He got raging drunk one night and i woke to hear crashing downstairs, he was trashing the kitchen, I tried to calm him and get him to bed and he slapped me in the face. The next day I tried to explain that I was unhappy about it and that I had considred leaving, I gave him a letter which explained my concerns and said but I wanted to stay and would like us to have counselling together. He said 'why? lets face it I would have to pay for it and all I get at the end is you. Then he gave me a letter back that just said 'selfish' on it.
6 months ago I met someone and we started out as great friends and he became someone that I talk to, I cheated on my partner and since then my life has been total hell. He said that he wanted to forgive me but instead he has battered me with it every single day, it's never happened again but every day I am constntly told what a terrible person I am and although I know it's true it's wearing me down. I have tried to patch things up but I could not even get close, he would pester for sex and demand that I performed sexual acts and then push me away when I got close to him, he has inspected my underwear from the laundry and registered with a no-strings sex website because it makes him feel like people think he is attractive because I don't, he swears that he never actually met anyone that he met on there. During the last three months he asks me to leave nearly twice a week and I say that if it is what he wants then I wil, he say's yes so I start packing and he follows me around while i do it insulting me, then when all my things are packed he will either present me with a gift or ask if i want a cup of tea as if it is not happening. It's so confusing. I promised myself a few weeks ago that if he asked again I would go, and he did, so i did. but since then he won't stop calling and coming round, begging and crying saying that he forgives me now and things will change. I hate to keep him hanging there but I genuinely do not know what to do? Please help.

ANSWER: Karen,

I read your letter very carefully.  Very, very carefully, and I am wondering if what you are asking at the top of your letter is really your concern, or is your concern your welfare.

In the second sentence of your letter you say, "I have spoken to experts but am not sure if I am in an abusive relationship or not." My question is, is this letter to me, merely academic?  Merely to know whether or not this is an abusive relationship, or is there more to this letter.

You must have decided that abusive or not, this relationship was causing you too much pain, and you do not deserve to take this from anyone.  If that was your decision, you have my full support.

What matters here is that you stop believing the lies about yourself.  You are not a terrible person, even if you have done some terrible things.  You are definitely not a terrible person for going outside the sick relationship to which you have subjected yourself.  If you regret what you did, then end a relationship before starting another, but do not put down yourself for having sought something better.  You have been doing a lot of self denigration.  If you were not saying to yourself, horrible things about yourself, you would have never even listened to the man's rants about you; you would not have tolerated such a relationship.

The gentleman has heavy emotional problems that you cannot help him with.  He pushes you away and when you start pulling away, he comes crying for you to take him back.  Manipulation in full swing.  But you cannot be manipulated unless you make a victim of yourself.  You do not have to take this from anyone.  What is the payoff why you have stayed around this long?  Whatever the payoff, at least you have decided that enough is enough.

There is much for you to learn from this story you developed with this man.  Why did you put yourself there, what was the self talk that kept you there; are you not worth much more than you have been presenting yourself for?

Karen, nobody is a nobody.  Anybody could change their life around.  They just have to pull themselves together and think of the loveliest kind of life they want; then they look at their habitual attitude, self talk, and behavior.  And they change all that; because all that was responsible for the kind of life they have lived so far.  Now, they are about living a self-respecting life.

When you are ready to turn your life around, you sometimes have to move far away from old company.  And if anyone has a problem with your effort to live better, they do not belong to your present company.

Don't expect another to love you more than you love yourself.  Those of us who have been transformed so that love flows from us to the entire universe, and whatever and whoever is in the universe, will love you, but not many are sufficiently enlightened to love those who reject themselves.

What can you do, if you want to never return to self abuse and to being a victim? Keep moving on, take a positive direction, and claim your resilience; claim your strength; claim your beauty, your inner beauty; claim your power over your own life; claim your right to live in a toxic free environment.  In time you will learn to forgive yourself for having subjected yourself to such gross indignity for so long.

What can you tell the man when he comes back with his emotional games?  You could tell him, thanks for the time he spent with you,and you could move on; give yourself space from the old drama.  Be aware however that some abusive persons find it very difficult to lose their prey, their habitual victim, and could become threatening when a person is becoming transformed from a victim to a visibly strong, self-loving, self-respecting person.  So, keep yourself safe.

Karen, look up the term, codependency, and check out the site, Joy U Me."

And one more thing.  You need help.  Before you even think of getting involved again, with whoever, get to a therapist and talk about your life.  Find out what about your thinking had you subject yourself for so long to such gross disrespect.  If you do not do some serious introspection, and make some drastic changes, chances are you would recreate another version of victimhood with another.

Anybody can change; even the man; but it is not your responsibility to get him to change.  It is really not your business whether he changes or not, so don't let him place that burden on you.  Take care of yourself.  Learn to love and accept Karen; for you ARE lovable.

Love and peace to you.

Dr. ES

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for your answer, I ended the relationship on the same day as posting this question. I did not plan it, it just felt right at the time. He has taken it very badly and so have I, I miss him very much indeed but I was not happy there. I still don't know what to do for the best. I have checked out the website that you recommended which is very interesting. However, I am not sure how to interpret the information and am worried that this could be the basis for all my future relationships. Have I caused the way in which we lived? It seems like I certainly contributed to it. Was I right to leave? I have found myself in a terrible state of confusion and although I do miss him, I am not sure what exactly I miss??

Answer
Karen,

A bit of advice...be kind to yourself, by allowing yourself to feel confused if that is the way your mind is feeling right now.  It is okay.  All of us, I believe, feel very confused at some time, especially when we know what we should do, but our habitual behavior has been so different from what we know we should do.  Because we care for ourselves, we allow our body to be wrung through the ringers, as it were, as the energies twist and churn within, BUT we stay with right conduct.

You made a decision in your interest.  If you should go back what is going to be different in your life?  And what if you caused the way in which you and this man lived?  You live by the way you think.  And in this relationship your thoughts have not been healthy, and you have not been with a person whose thoughts are healthy.  Two minds  -- neither in support of you (you have not been living in loving support of your self, and this gentleman has not been living in loving support of you either) cannot bring you happiness.

Yes, you will hurt.  Let that be okay.  This is a clean feeling kind of hurt, compared with the distressing hurt from a relationship in which another plays roller coaster with your mind.

If you don't understand Robert Burney's site, that is okay.  Return to it another time and it might seem clearer.  

Get a bible, and read it

Here is a passage of scripture, I copied just for you:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? .. So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matt. 6:25, 31-33 NIV)

Stand firm, Karen, in your self love and dignity.

Dr. ES