Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/7/2009

Question
Dear Kriss:

I'd welcome your thoughts on a problem with my adult sister.  On the surface it’s a financial problem however deeper issues are involved.  In summary, my sister refuses to face the real issues with her job situation and finances (and also some health issues) and may get herself into more of a "hole" financially and perhaps be unable to cope with this situation emotionally.   I also thinks there's a possibility she will destroy my relationship with her in the process as she lashes out to defend herself against those who are trying to help her.  Here are the details:

A year ago my sister (in her forties) was laid-off (with a large severance check which is now nearly run out) after many years in a job that paid $50,000/year.  She left due to criticisms of her supposed over-bearing treatment of co-workers which she didn't accept.  This created a lot of stress for her and she said she wanted to escape from that job and the working world in general.  She went to a doctor about the situation (although I don't think medication was involved).  

She started a 1-person home business doing something she loves, mostly because she loves the creative aspects of the work.  She paid little attention to how much income this small business would likely give her and is very critical of suggestions that she should outline a business plan, perhaps get external opinions, and should be making estimates of how much expense whe will incur and how much revenue is likely etc. to determine it's viability.   The job is very manually intensive and has little chance of scaling due to this and other reasons or of making more that $5,000-10,000 per year (although when that's pointed out to her she finds that very stressful and "hits out in defence".  She screams at the person who gently suggests it, she's stormed out of the room on occasions).  She works very hard at the job and has considerable talent on the creative side.

Her husband (also in his forties) has a low-paying job.  Formerly he worked a below-average number of hours (self-employed) now he has increased his efforts and works very long hours, 60+ hours a week (outside the home).  His income is only in the $12,000/year range despite this.   He has relied on his wife financially to-date and has said he is not willing to try to get a better job as he feels is he too old, no qualifications etc.  He's dismissive of other creative suggestions.  Apart from this he is supportive of his wife, is intelligent, mostly reasonable and they have a good marriage and are good friends.  He seemed quite happy in the past to let his wife be the main financial provider.

They live in a nice house and have a $1500/month mortgage but have only a small amount of equity in the home.  They have almost no savings but also no debt (except for the mortgage).  They moved into the house when my sister had her much-higher paying job.

My recently-widowed mother has a strong relationship with my sister (and myself) and has started to give her $300/month.  She has made financial gifts before as well.  She doesn't like to see my sister upset and doesn’t like to "get into the issues fully" as my sister has a very, very low tolerance for constructive criticism and lashes out verbally.  My sister criticises the person who raises the issue to defend herself.  She doesn't acknowledge that she don't have enough income coming in, that changes need to be made etc. ("just doesn't want to talk about it").  

I tend to be more frank with my sister and she avoids any meaningful discussions with me because of this (she hates any perceived criticism and almost always doesn't take advice).  She recently (through my mother) requested financial help from me although she doesn't seem to have a good understanding of her budgetary requirements etc. (or perhaps didn't want to be open about them).  She didn't want to ask me personally and last week in person completely beat me up verbally when I tried to get to the root of the problem and gently ask her what her plans were to address the issues etc.  We were able to get into their financial situation to some extent however.  They clearly can't sustain their lifestyle as-is.

I am well-off and agreed to a loan immediately.  I proposed to give her an interest-free loan for $15,000 payable back over 5 years.  I have sent a very simple loan agreement and I've removed most of the legal safety clauses that would normally protect me as I don't want to come across as threatening - and I have no intention of pursuing my sister legally in the event she defaults.  (I have however requested that both my sister and her husband sign as they both will equally benefit.)  Apart from a brief thank-you I was left feeling my sister was very angry at me for asking her how she intended to rectify her situation.  I am very concerned that if this money situation is not handled correctly it could drive a wedge between us.   I am also a little worried that the situation is "open to abuse" by my sister and her husband.

I tried to point out that my loan is a temporary measure and that unless things change the same problem will still exist in a years time - and that they need a plan now (not in a year's time) to address the real issues.  My sister says she does not want to get a "real" job however.  Her husband seems to think she will take at least a part-time job if her revenues don't increase this year (however I'm not sure my sister has bought off on that plan).

I am concerned I don't be an "enabler" (in co-dependence terminology) in this situation by throwing money at the problem.  It's likely my sister and her husband would just take it without changing their situation.  I can see a scenario next year where they have made no changes and my sister gets herself into such a state that we have to give her more money (although she's likely to not ask directly).  My mother tends to take her side and does prefer me to throw money at the problem as she knows I can afford to - and she doesn't like to see my sister distressed.  My mother is reluctant to have the "difficult" conversations with her.  I am more willling to do this - but my sister hates that.

A real problem here is "what happens next year"?  Perhaps they will "get real" sometime this year?  However they don't seem to realise they may have to sell their house (or see it foreclosed) and take out credit card debt.  Knowing my sister (and mother) the very concept of selling their house would be viewed negatively and stressfully.  

I felt it best to put these issues squarely in front of them now (not next year when it's too late).  I have stated to them in an email:

"Please take urgent actions without delay that will enable you to avoid problems later.   Otherwise you may be forced to sell your house or take credit card debt to pay your bills when this loan ends.
I am very concerned that you both understand that you should not rely on me for an additional loan next year."

Providing them with more money however could be an option for me (as is deferring their loan payments until after we take the family inheritance at a much later stage via my mum's will).   To me however the real issue here seems to be my sister's attitude.  She will not take advice and seems to be avoiding the issues.  She gets angry as a defence mechanism.  The start of this problem may have been when she became very overweight in her twenties.  She is totally unwilling to discuss any aspect of this.  (Much more so than other overweight people I have been around.)  Also she seems totally unwilling to take any action to fix the problem (or to even discuss possibilities).  That's the same situation she's in now financially.  Her behavior on that weight problem is the same I see now on this financial problem.

I'm concerned that she will continue to not face the real issues and get herself into more of a "hole" financially and perhaps be unable to cope with it emotionally.   I also thinks there's a possibility she will destroy my relationship with her in the process as she lashes out to defend herself.  Or when I don't just "throw money at the problem".  I'm concerned that this may progress to a situation where I will be expected by them (and possibly by my mum) to support them financially.  I'd certainly appreciate your thoughts.

Sam


Answer
Dear Sam,
It sounds as though you care for your sister very much and have the ability to connect present day behavior to future consequences.  Although being able to do that is a developmental hurdle that most human beings get over by the age of 25, it is possible that your sister either has some challenges with that or there is something that is keeping her in a place of denial.

Either way Sam, she and her husband are adults and as adults, are responsible for their own choices in life.  Even though you may be better off financially, that does not mean that you are responsible to fix her problems.  Most people will not respond to unsolicited advice, so if you choose to give advice, just be aware that the person you are giving it to has no obligation to follow it.  

I think the thing to understand here is that you may see what is happening, but for some reason she chooses not to.  Until she sees this situation as problematic, she is not going to ask for help and will be offended if someone confronts her.  As a counselor, I have had to understand over the years that you can't help people who don't think they have a problem, even though I can see their problems as glaringly obvious.  It is very difficult to watch people self destruct, especially when they are family, but sometimes that is what you have to do.

Mixing money with family and friends is one of the most dangerous things you can do to a relationship.  The two don't mix well.  However, this doesn't mean that you can't make a financial gift to them, or if you want to make a loan, set it up through an escrow company so there is a middleman between you and your sister.  That takes the collection responsibility off your shoulders and from between you and your sister should there be any problems.  If you value the relationship and believe that there may be problems, you may just want to make a financial gift to them because she is your sister and you love her.  

The best scenario that I can suggest is to wait until they ask for help and then ask THEM how you can help THEM solve their problem.  That way, you aren't coming in like the problem solver, you are letting them be responsible to figure out a solution, offering advice when they ask for it and giving them the opportunity to be responsible for their own lives.  You may have to watch them go under, but that will be the consequences of their own actions.

You might approach them like this:  "I realize that I have been offering advice and help when you haven't asked for it, and I need to ask your forgiveness for that.  I love you and by trying to solve your problems for you, I haven't communicated that very well or respected your ability to make your own decisions and that is wrong.  From now on, I will not step in.  If you want advice, I'm happy to offer it to help you solve any problem you have, but I realize it is not my place to solve your problems for you."   

By offering this kind of apology, you are being kind, respectful and also letting them know there is a boundary there and you are not going to swoop in and save them again.  If they come to you for help, you can offer advice, but in such a way that communicates to them that you are willing to be a part of THEIR plan, you are not going to develop a plan for them.  

I hope this has helped.  Your question addresses one of the most complicated relationship issues you can come across and I truly wish you well as you make your decisions about this.  Just remember that clear boundaries are necessary and that you can decide how, when and where these boundaries will be put in place.  No matter what your sister, brother in law or mother believe, the responsibility does not lie at your feet.  However that does not keep you from responding out of the goodness of your heart for a family member that you care about.

Many blessings to you and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Warmly,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com