Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: My story begins with meeting a wonderful, talented and intelligent young woman. We have been friends for over a year, she finishes my sentences. We both work for the same company she is on the retail side and works 30 seconds from my home, so I would see her 2-3 times a week. We were supposed to go out on a sunday just as friends to get her away, p's, bf etc, then the next weekend, well bf had other plans and does not want me around, period. So I dropped off a v-day card for friends at her work, so she would feel special. (her bf forgot her b-day and blamed it on her). He found out about the card, not only leaving harrassing messages that I will be locked up if I go into store x. He made her do a police report saying I harassed her and a seperate report was sent to corporate. So if I go in the store where she works I could have police on my doorstep and I did salvage my job with the truth. He has harrassed any male that were friends, making her call them and say not to call, he has alienated her family and she can't make a decision without his presence. What can I do?
It makes me sick that he parades her around look what I am doing, he holds a past mistake over her head, blackamail to keep her submissive and blames her for all the grief in his life and their relationship. I know she wants to contact me, but he checks her phone and e-mails, if I call I could get thrown in jail for a bogus report and lose my job.She is starting the ok, whatever mode with him, just not to make waves and I think she is embarrassed also..
What can I do?

ANSWER: Dear Joe,
It is very hard seeing someone you care about going through something like this, isn't it?  It is a frustrating experience, and although I can hear that you would like to do something to fix it, in all reality your friend is in the driver's seat.  

Her boyfriend is doing all the things that abusers do.  They isolate, intimidate, blame and control. They isolate so the victim has no support or outside influence that can contradict the abuser and his control. Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do about how he treats her, however if he has harassed you and/or threatened you in ways you can prove, a call to local law enforcement to gather information about your rights might be in order.  The other thing to consider is how any action you take may impact her.  He might abuse her more to send a message your way.

Abusive relationships are very complex.  The worst place to be is in the middle, between the abuser and the victim.  As you have experienced, the victim will often side with the abuser.  Your friend would benefit from abuse counseling, but being able to go may be a problem for her.  Your local Women's Center would be a good resource for her, if you have one.

Although this young woman may be wonderful, talented and intelligent, she more than likely has issues with self esteem and self worth.  Emotionally healthy individuals don't stay in abusive situations so until she is able to leave, if there are other people in her life who can keep the relationships open, that is helpful until she reaches the place where she feels safe enough to ask for help. It doesn't sound as though you will be that person due to the legal constraints. You don't know what he is telling her or threatening her with and she does, so she has to make the decisions.  

It is frustrating to sit by and watch, but unless you have concrete evidence or he threatens you personally, enlisting local law enforcement may be detrimental to you.  If you think it is safe and you have the resources, you could get her one of those untraceable cell phones to keep at work and use in an emergency, if that is possible. She may not be able to keep that information a secret from her boyfriend however, so that has to be taken into consideration.

Most women will leave an abusive relationship 7 times before they leave for good.  Each time they gather more information about resources and are able to make more plans.  If there is visible evidence that she is being abused, you might enlist the help of her family to talk with her.  They need to see that they are lifelines, no matter what they think of the boyfriend.  Those lines of communication have to remain open, for her sake.

This is difficult, but until she determines that she wants out, no outside person is going to be able to help much.  I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but your prayers for her may accomplish more than action right now.  I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: using law enforcement is not an option, he has been down this trail before, has only threatened me with going to jail if i walk in while she is working. I have went to the powers that be, since he threatened me on company property to have him tossed off, hence he spends no money and hangs around also.Which both calls are saved on voicemail and a journal written. Kriss everyone has some self esteem issues, everyone is like leave her be, it is like a heart attack victim you can't get to because of traffic. It tears me up & I know I can not do anything but wait. Then if she calls, I can use it to my advantage( I have already contacted the sheriff) and will be contacting the state attorney. Since it was a false report, done under duress and bias, the cop lectured me in my own kitchen about the age difference,20 years... His report was shall i say in his own words with a few of her b/fs. I feel like I have gotten a raw deal all around, I know he is waiting for me to mess up.... With everything that went on police report and corporate, it was not anger it was hurt..

ANSWER: Dear Joe,
I certainly understand what you are saying.  These kinds of things can be very hurtful, to all concerned.  However, I would encourage you to take a step back and see why you are running into these kinds of problems.

The role you are in is like that of an employee who has responsibility over his/her job, but no authority.  If you have ever been in a situation like that, you know how frustrating it is.  Nothing can be accomplished.  That is where you are.  You are actually taking on a responsibility that isn't yours.  Additionally, you have no authority to hold that position so nothing can be accomplished.  You really aren't going to be able to do much about this situation and for your own well being it would be better to take a step back.  You can't fix this for her...she has to.  If you force her to do something she either can't or isn't able to do, that is no better than what her BF is doing.  

You somewhat passed over my comment about self esteem, but I need you to hear me on this.  People who allow themselves to be abused by others to this extent have major issues in this area, much more than most people.  Abusive relationships are complex and it isn't like you are dealing with an emotionally healthy person who just can't extricate herself from this guy.  There are personally destructive issues that she is dealing with as well....if there weren't, she would call the police, press charges, have him thrown in jail and leave.  

You might read the book, Angry Men and the Women who Love Them.  It may help you understand the dynamics of what is going on here.  

I hope that helps Joe.  I can hear that you are really concerned, hurt and very frustrated.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Before I get going I understand everything that you have said and thank you! This woman is one of the warmest, kindest soles I have ever met, her potential in life is unlimited. I have many miles on my shoes. I understand this is her mess and for her to clean it up, per se. I have stepped back and waited and will continue to do so. Example a woman i work with married young, 4 boys and gets beat once a week for 35 years of marriage and the kids walk on her like a rug. All we are talking about is fear, then dispair well, i guess this is it, wait to die..Like the song can't get a better man. No feeling person deserves that. I would never force her or do what her b/f does, I will not force my will upon her, life is choice.  I will show her the light and warmth and comfort it brings as only a true friend can bring, when the opportunity knocks and or rings. This is a preventable tragedy, that can be cured. Yes I am miserable without her smile, her back off to nothing attitude, her royalty attitude, her look( playboy material) and her warm diminer, miss her a bit ya think.

Answer
Dear Joe,
I'm glad to be a place to vent a little bit.  You sound like a very caring person and this is quite difficult for you.  I think the hardest thing about seeing these types of situations is to know that there is little that can be done unless the victim steps up to the plate.  I experience those same kinds of feelings with individuals that I work with sometimes so when I hear you talk about stepping back, I know it is with a heavy heart.

Many blessings to you and I truly hope this situation turns around for her.

Kriss