Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/18/2009

Question
I am in a "relationship" with a man who withholds affection, words, sex, just about anything that might tell me I was valued by him. I use the word relationship although he denies that we are in any way together. We live in the same house and until a couple of months ago always slept in the same bed. I looked after his elderly Father with him until his death last year. We have lived in the same house for three years and have been seeing each other for four and a half years. He wanted to have sex with other people and convinced me swinging was a good idea. We did this a few times and I felt humiliated and it became that I only got attention when we were in these situations so I felt as though I had to do it just to be noticed. In the end I couldn't continue with this any longer and since that time I have rarely had sex. I have spent thousands of pounds buying him things and trying to make him happy and am in a lot of debt but he says now that he does not love me, never has and never will. At the same time he refers to me as the Missus when it suits and I cook all his meals and make his lunch for work. But when he is at work or anywhere I am not known to people he presents himself as a single man. We have not had sex for some months and he told me at the weekend that when he does want sex again it may not be with me. He can be nice and then horrible but will always deny any wrongdoing. He says all our problems are my fault and that I am mental (I admit I sometimes get hysterical out of frustration). I realise I must sound like a pathetic individual and I do have very low self esteem which I have begun counselling for. However I have a really good job as a Manager which I am very good at but for some reason I cannot leave this man. He makes me feel as though he is much better than me and the treatment he gives me is just what I deserve and I kind of believe him. I feel ugly, boring and mad. I am so so sad and feel I am losing myself altogether. My friends and family have seen a big change in me since I have been with him and wish I would leave. Can you halp?

Answer
Dear Andrea,
I truly empathize with you as you find yourself in such a hurtful situation.  Relationships are very complicated, especially these kind and I applaude you for reaching out to someone for more information.  

Although I can't make the decision for you, I am encouraged that you are seeing a counselor.  I can give you information that you can discuss with this person and perhaps work on finding the wonderful, talented and unique individual that God created you to be.  You asked about possible emotional abuse and in all honesty, the test of a good relationship is whether it brings life or death.  Healthy relationships are life giving relationships.  The people in them flourish and grow.  Abusive relationships bring death to everyone involved.

You are not growing, you are dying on the vine and the longer you stay in the relationship, the more you will feel poorly about yourself and have less ability to do anything about your circumstances.  The question that begs to be asked is why you believe you deserve this kind of treatment.  He obviously is just using you and has no plans to change the dynamics of the relationship.  I'll pass on a piece of wisdom from a friend of mine who always says, "When the horse is dead, get off."  It matters less whether you love the horse and don't feel you can live without the horse.  When it dies, you have to move away from it or you become attached to a dead, decomposing body.  I know that is graphic, but this is where you find yourself in your relationship.  

This relationship is dead and you are presently trying to revive a dead thing, which takes a huge amount of energy.  You are a bright, intelligent and capable woman who is allowing herself to be abused by someone who doesn't care.  I don't see you as pathetic, but I want you to know that you are not alone.  Abusive relationships seem to have the same dynamics in them...the men say and do the same things and the women say and do the same things.  What really needs to happen here is that you and your counselor should work on the issues in your heart that allow you to stay in a place where there is no life. Once you get emotionally healthy, you will find it much easier to get out of this.  Healthy people don't stay in these kinds of relationships but once you are in one, it is kind of like the story of the frog in the kettle.  You don't realize what is happening to you until the water is boiling and you're dying.

You don't deserve this kind of treatment, nobody does; but yet you have been with him long enough that you are identifying with the way he sees you, not the way you see you.  If you let HIM define you, it will not be truth. You are the only one who has the right to define who you are.  You have the right to disagree with him about who you are and you should disagree....every day, loudly and strongly.  

I hope I have been able to answer your question.  Please feel free to contact me again if you need further assistance.  I assure you, if you feel ugly, boring and mad it is simply because of the effects of a toxic relationship.  Imagine staying in a home where the levels of carbon monoxide are steadily rising.  You would feel terrible after awhile and eventually it would kill you.  It's the same way with toxic relationships...the longer you stay, the worse you feel until eventually there is nothing left.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com