Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/27/2009

Question
hi dear expert,
i am in relation with a girl who is 31 and i am 28 . not for marriage but a close relationship. with love.
the problem is that i don't know what to choose. she never had sex before and after our first kissing and love making she was so depressed and sad and she feel guilty about doing that.
should i guide her to a way that she become a hot sexy girl or I should leave her body alone and don't touch it and just continue my soul love with her?

Answer
Amir,

You sound like a wise soul in a 28 year old's body.  

Which of the options you are suggesting, would leave you feeling most noble, Amir?  Which response do you think would be more in line with this woman's values?

Women who are careful about their morality do not expect to be used sexually, but to be  honored, and cared for.  And if there is any sort of intimacy, the woman tends to feel less self rejecting if she knows that the man has some noble intention towards her. Yes, those words -- noble, morality, honor -- still are high on the value list of some men and women.  To have sex with a woman with such values, just for relationship sake, and with no commitment to marry can easily leave the lady feeling severely violated.

Remember, even girls who pose as hot and sexy, have feelings, and do not want to be used.  Everyone wants to be honored, unless they have been so disappointed in the past that they have convinced themselves that they are not deserving of a stable, loving relationship; that the are undeserving of respect.  Take care of the people who place their sense of wellbeing in your care, Amir.

Dr. ES