Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/24/2009

Question
i have been in a inter-racial marriage with my husband for 6 yrs.  we support each other and respect each other's values most of the time.  we love each other very much, but there are things, which I think I need to change within myself.  My violent and oppressive behabior usually starts off as winging and complaining, which my husband complies with.  But it gets out of control because I begin to "expect more" and becoming "selfish". I find that whenever this cycle occurs, argumentative topics we end up disagreeing about, will escalates to confusion and frustration (perhaps not understanding what the partner is trying to say, because English is not his first language), and the frustration often leads to violent behavior with each other.  
We sort of hit, push, throw objects of value to one another, and it gets out of control.

Sometimes, i cant stop my anger and start to push and shove him to get him to understand that I don't like what I'm hearing.
He never used to comply with it, but with my excessive abuse, he has turned into someone like myself...

The problem truly lies in how I deal with things, but now, I feel like a victim too, because being a girl, I feel so helpless when he gets pushy with me.

I hate being this person, and bringing my husband to become this person.  He never used to be short tempered nor violent.  I am the one who starts it off, piss him off, and then at the end, I would cry (usually because he has pushed and shoved), and then when he tries to consolidate, I would turn around and say, I wanna break up! Even when I dont feel that truly in my heart, I end up always saying verbally hurtful things towards him as well!

I have tried counseling.  It has been better for over 6 months, but we had a huge fight on our wedding anniversary, and I forgot how to control my anger.  This is all because he didnt have any patience and nor did I, on the supposedly special day.  this is a crappy excuse.  and as i type away, it makes me realise what sort of person i was to him.
i feel so sorry for what i have made him go through.
i dont know how to talk to him without getting angry. i have always been so stubborn and as a child, my parents never knew how to control me either.
i need serious help.
i will go back to counselling.  but I fear that i might make up the story and not be truthful.

Answer
Mena,

Your soul is at war within you.  Truth and lies are locked in battle.

The truth is that you are a lovely woman, capable of being calm, level-headed, appreciative of a good husband, a caring man.

The lie is what you feel -- that wildly distressing feeling that you are undeserving of happiness.  Your mind is trying to convince you  that you are not good enough for your husband. Your soul revolts at the lie.

Your energy field, your consciousness, can't stand the lie!!  

You just can't stand feeling not good enough.  But you feel it, and you don't know what to do with the feelings.  Your husband's image of this lovely, calm gentleman, drives you up a wall.  You can't stand to feel pathetic.  You can't stand to feel like a nobody.  How come nobody else is feeling this way?  It doesn't seem fair.  His calm is like a mirror held up to your face showing you how way off balance you are -- all this part of the lie; part of the illusion.  So you try smashing the mirror; you try destroying the image of yourself conjured up in your head when you see yourself next to your spouse.  

How does one rip feelings out of one's energy field, out of one's consciousness?  How?  You hit out, and lash out.  But that is like beating the air.  So in frustration, you bend over and wail.  Or you throw back your head and bawl. Or, you hit wildly at the nearest reminder of your feelings of inadequacy.  You send some wild, blind blows -- hitting, aiming to hurt.  

You are not thinking of the person at whom you are directing your assault.  All you care about is realizing some relief from the pain and frustration in you.

Initially your husband must have been concerned about you, but evidently quickly realized that he had to be self protecting in the face of your relentless assault.

What is your problem?  You do not know who you are.  You are unaware that you are of divinity, that right there where you are, is peace, the ability to love and appreciate yourself, and to love others unconditionally.  You are unaware that you are not a comparison, that a good, well behaved person standing next to you does not diminish your worth.

Yes, you need to learn again, who you are; what life is about, and where you are going.  Without that inner grounding you could feel perilously alone and driven, like a sloop adrift on wild, high waters.

Take hold of your self talk.  Listen to what you habitually say to yourself.  Change your self talk, to raise your energy level. Breathe deeply.  When you feel the anger rising, ask yourself what it is you are wanting that you are not getting.  And what would happen if you stay calm and not rile up yourself because you did not get what you wanted.

Look at the husband in your life, and give thanks.  Consider his right to have a calm home, and happy attitudes.  Break your habit of violent episodes.  When you feel the anger coming on, take a walk, or fill your mouth with water.  Whatever you do, shift your focus away from your husband.  Remind yourself that all he came into your life for is to give love.  Listen to what you are saying to yourself, habitually, and if what you are saying to yourself is working you up to an angry pitch, change your self talk.  Change it.

When there is a problem, talk about the problem.  Do not attack the person.  This change calls for self discipline.  Your Counselor is there to help you with your self discipline; with your self acceptance.  Whatever lies you learned about personal inadequacy, declare it a lie.

You have the ability and power to stay in control of you.  Put the pressure on yourself to stay with right conduct.  And of course, go to the Counselor.  You are not a bad person because you have an anger problem.  You just need to learn to attack the problem, but never the person.  Give love and understanding to your husband, no matter how difficult, and eventually you would have the same coming back to you.

Dr. ES