Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/28/2009

Question
Hi Eugenia,
I am in an abusive relationship. I,43, live with my daughter Laura, 12, and my partner chris,47.
I have tried over the past three years to end the relationship but each time he gets very emotional , drinks more and wears me down to the point that I agree to give it another go. He built an extension onto the house , done other diy jobs and gave me money towards my car and he uses this whenever the relationship gets to the point of no return. The house is mine, I bought it with Laura's father who was also abusive but i managed to buy him out in the end.
We tried counselling two years ago but the counceller would not listen to anything I said and just treated chris for his bereavement of his mother. He has always had an agressive/argumentative behavour but it has gotten worse.
Last Sept , he was in a vehicle accident and lost his job due to being unfit for work Now that there is a recession there is very little work and chris has not worked since. he went to his doctor in feb and was prescribed anti depressants. All the time his behavour has been getting worse, he was violent at christmas, I got his daughter involved in one of the rows, to try an talk sense into him but he argued with her too and now she will not have anything to do with him. He blames me for that. I sometimes feel I have not been sympathetic enough to him but he makes it hard when he shouts and argues over trivial things.
In February,He started drinking more ,although his limit is 6 pints of guinness,normally he would go drinking twice a week but it was turning into weekends. This only made our relatinship worse, i am not the arguing type, I would go quiet and have nothing to say to him and loose all interest in sex. He had a heart attack at the end of february , the doctors said it was due to depression. He is on medication and was making recovery but although I was supporting him I was still mad at him and could not pretend as if the relationship was good again. I am not sure if this led him to want to kill himself. He went on a drinking spree for 7 days and  refused to take his medication for 3days. I eventually got his sister in england to ring him and presuaded him to stop drinking.
He said his life was not worth living, he had no job felt worthless and our relationship was down the tubes ,he had nothing.I told him we would try again but he needed to go to the doctor and councelling for his behavour if the relationship was to work. he agreed. We went to the doctor who advised him to keep taking the medication and stay off the drink. We had a good weekend ,last weekend. But since Monday he is back to his ususl argumentative/agressive self. He shouted at me in the shopping centre,embarrassing me.we had a row on the way home , I ended up apologising for what I said. but everyday he is argumentative and today he angrily pushed the dog out the back door. My daugher get very upset and thought he threw him out. Although she exaggerated , she is only 12 but he lost his head and started screaming at her .and me too.
this is an impossible relationship, it can't go on but I feel I can't tell him to go. He has no work , nowhere to live , suffering from depression and just over a heart attack.

Answer
Margaret,

As cold as it may sound, the truth is that you are responsible for yourself and your daughter, and this man is responsible for himself.  From your story it seems this man is too distracted by his own fear of the future and his inability to take care of himself, to attend to a relationship with you.  The drinking binge; the shouting, and pushing of the dog outside, all sound like a person in the throes of desperation.  A person desperate about his own survival is in no position to demonstrate love to another.  Desperation is fearfulness; Love thrives in the absence of fear.

Of course you would feel sorry for him, given that you both have spent so much time together; yet you know that he is not with you for love.  He has nowhere else to go, and does not have a job -- this is not an easy burden for any to bear; it is tough, really hard -- but is really no reason for you to stay in a relationship with him.

This might sound harsh, but truth is this man's life is his responsibility. He could be so scared to be on his own that he might agree to do anything for you if you allow him to stay; even give you money to repair your vehicle.

The options seem clear; ask the man to leave, and pay the cost, by perhaps being blamed for making things worse for him.  He could even attempt suicide and blame you (You have to be sure that your responsibility is for your self and your daughter, and the other person's responsibility is for their own self), or hold yourself and daughter in the situation as it is now, out of fear that you could be blamed for whatever happens to him.

Give your power to another, and expect them to manipulate you.  Reclaim your power, and don't be surprised if the person to whom you had given control over your life, tries to blame you and make you feel guilty for any problem they encounter.

Your life is your own.  What you feel is false guilt in regards to this man.  He is the one who should be feeling true guilt for making unreasonable demands of you.

The counselor is there to help you realize your intrinsic strength and power to stay in control of your life.  If the one you went to, did not listen, go to another, and go by yourself.

Have you considered what it is about you that keeps begging for punishment?  What is it about you that had you endure one abusive relationship, and then go into another similar relationship?  Explore this with your Counselor, so you would be sure you are not training that young daughter of yours to become another victim.

Blessings.

Dr. ES