Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/26/2009

Question
I have lived with and had a relationship with a herion addict for 9 months. She wants help. I have helped her by keeping her off the streets (prostitution) by becoming an enabler; giving her $$ so she doesnt have to sell herself and also have convinced her to go to detox 5 times and rehab once.  
She is now in rehab for 3 weeks.  Its a miracle; however, she hates me now.   She states she is in love with another man, has spent time with me only for $$ and complains that I assisted her in her drug abuse and kept her hostage by giving her $$$ and not allowing her to go to the street, and she only had sex with me to get more $$$.

Im confused.... Ive bent over backwards in taking care of her and using God/spirtual principals in dealing with her.
At times i think she loves me and other times, not.

I understand that coming off of herion can make a person very unstable and emotionally distressed as well as being  actively using herion.

Should I throw in towel and give up??? from helping her break her addiction and our relationship??? Or as this person spends more time in rehab, may she understand... and come back to me when she gets out???  I know that dealing with herion is a life long process and chances of breaking from herion are very slim.

This person needs help and support and she knows it.. Is there a chance this young women (20 yrs of age) can break her addiction and WE be together????? (slim to none????)

Answer
Dear Mark,
I can understand why you are confused....dealing with an addict has its own set of complications.  It is impossible to tell whether there is a chance of a relationship with this young woman.  That would depend on her ability to beat the addiction, adjust to life with out heroin and incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into her life.  There is a lot more going on here than meets the eye.  If she is in rehab, she isn't thinking straight and the lack of drugs in her system are causing a lack of ability to understand reality and make good decisions.

It usually takes a year for an addict to reset their brain chemicals and receptors back to a normal state.  If during that time, or at any other time the addict relapses, the receptor sites in the brain will go back to their original addicted state and the person will pick up their addiction at the same level they had prior to intervention.  Drug addiction is not a matter of simple will power.  When receptor sites increase, the cravings become incredibly difficult to ignore.  The idea of "just say no" is rather naive.

My question to you is why you want a relationship with someone like this?  Ministry to drug addicts is one thing, but having a personal relationship with someone who is drug addicted is inviting a special kind of hell into your life.  It does not sound as though you understand addiction and before you make any decisions about having an intimate relationship with this person, you need to be more informed than you are.

My best advice to you would be to seek out a counselor who can help you understand the dynamics of a relationship with an addict as well as help you sort through your motivations for wanting a relationship with such a broken person.  You cannot save her, I cannot stress that enough.  She has to save herself and have the self motivation that will keep her drug free for life.  No one can measure that motivation but her.  If you believe that you can save her from herself and once she comes to her senses she will love you forever for doing that, you are believing something that is very unrealistic.  

You are facing some harsh realities and difficult decisions.  I truly wish you the best as you seek the wisdom to move forward.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss