Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/17/2009

Question
I am a 47 year-old woman. I have been married for 30 years and have three children; the boys are 25, 19 and 16.  My marriage has been very unhealthy for most of the 30 years.  There were problems even when I wasn't aware.  There were affairs my husband had early on, that took me years to find out about.  He has done to me just about everything that can be done to hurt someone.  The emotional abuse is the worst.  About six years ago our family went through several tragedies; the death of a child, another child in a near-fatal accident, health issues, and on and on.  It was during this time I discovered just how bad things were in the revelation of many things.  For instance the day our 19-year-old daughter died from Osteosarcoma, instead of him comforting me or the other kids he was turning to a girlfriend.  He had been involved with her for several months.  As I concentrated on dealing with death and infidelity I started to discover just how bad things had been.  I think I was so busy raising the kids and working I didn't have time to concentrate on what my husband was doing.  He is really good at excuses when he needs to be.  Now I find myself on the verge of financial ruin, and our marriage in shatters.  I take a lot of the responsibility for allowing myself to be in such a bad relationship.  How can I heal.  He did a good job of secluding me the past two and a half years.  I have been ill and we moved to a very remote rural area just south of the canadian border.  I feel like a failure already, but he goes out of his way to drive it home.  I don't have a lot of money and there aren't any doctors close to my home.  Where can I turn for support?

Answer
Maria, I spent a long time answering you last night, but perhaps stayed too long on the site, so my response disappeared. Thirty years out of forty seven is enough time to develop and reinforce the faulty belief that you cannot do better.  And spending all this time directly under the influence of someone intent on putting you down, could definitely be discouraging.

It is not easy for a parent to bury a child, and it is distressing for siblings, to bury one of the team.  Thank God, that though that accident was near fatal, you still have your child.  So many painful emotions could loom beyond the mere words you use to tell your story.

But there is one thing I want you to know, and that is, 'you are strong'.  Yes, you are strong; and you are capable of pulling yourself up, by speaking encouraging words to yourself.  If after thirty years, the man you married is not showing respect, compassion, and consideration of your feelings, why expect him to change now?

The way others relate to us is not always so much about us as it is about them, and how they feel about themselves. It also says something about how we present ourselves.  Play weak, another is tempted to control.  Stand resolute in your strength, and you won't make of yourself a victim.

What is truth for you is what you say to yourself.  The truth is that the world has all the resources you need for you and your children to survive comfortably.  Blink away the gloom and doom vision of being on the brink of financial ruin.  That is truth only if you want to make it true.  It is a lie if you choose to make it a lie.

Whatever you need, say to yourself, 'I have'.  "Whatever I need, I already have, God, open my eyes to see.  And, God, guide me, even as I continually give praise and thanks to the Holy Name."

Maria, word is power.  Word power brings miracles into our lives.  Speak the truth to yourself: "I am somebody special.  To my children, I am important.  If I am not here for my children, who would they rely on for guidance?  If I spend my time worrying about what my husband says, thinks, or does, when would I take time to treat Maria well, to bring a smile to Maria's face, to hum a delightful tune, to listen to the birds whistle, to enjoy the breeze on my skin; when will I take time to see the way God has already cleared for me?"

No more focusing on that poor man who is in self-rejecting mode; no more wasting your precious life force trying to force out of that poor soul what he does not have to give, when all the time, if you turn within you would find an abundance of self love, and enough love to share with your sons and others; you would find even forgiveness for yourself for holding back yourself so long, and enough forgiveness for the poor man who himself needs to find the way to self love.

Maria, you could have all the money in the world and be miserably unhappy.  Your joy and success are right there where you are.  Take hold of that power within you, by saying right now, to yourself and to your sons, we can make it, if we try.  Yes, we can.  With such resolve, you would be where you want to be, whether out there in rural North America, or in urban anywhere.  You could even stay right where you are and change the dynamism.  By changing your attitude, you give a shift to your experience.  You are the story writer of your life.  If you don't like how you are experiencing your moments, YOU have the power to change the game plan.

Blessings.
Dr. ES