AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I can answer questions regarding emotional and physical abuse in dating and marriage situations, however I am unable to give legal advice. Having had firsthand experience in an abusive relationship, I understand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we have as we try to make decisions about how to improve our situations. I am also able to address spiritual concerns regarding staying in or leaving these types of situations.
Experience Having been a victim of emotional abuse for many years and having family members who were in violent abuse situations, I have personal experience on many levels. I have since gone on to become a professional counselor and work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Assn.,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and The North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Awards and Honors Board Certified Christian Counselor
Question my boyfriend and i have been together for about 2 years. we argue constantly, his fault and mine, but he has a horrible temper. he wont let me walk away from an argument, which is when he will keep grabbing me. he is 6'1 and im 4'11 so his grip hurts and i tell him. about 2 months ago we got into an argument and he kept yelling in my face and would grab me when i would lay on the bed to cry. he kept yelling and provoking me and didnt know what to do so i slapped his face. he grabbed my hair and dragged me across the bed screaming at me. that was the worst it has ever got and im scared that one day it will go too far? what do i do about this?
Answer Dear Jenna,
There are several questions here that I will attempt to answer, but first I wish to express my sympathy for you both in this situation. It is never fun to be in disagreement with someone you care about.
You asked how to know if your boyfriend is abusive...the easiest way to answer this question is to tell you that love doesn't hurt. What you have described here is not only abusive, but can be criminally prosecuted in most states as assault and battery. Anytime there is physical violence it is abuse, but abuse does not come in just the physical form. It can be sexual, emotional and verbal as well.
The cycle of abuse starts with the buildup to an event, then the event happens, the abuser will usually swear it will never happen again, apologize profusely etc and then there will be a honeymoon period where life seems to be fine. The problem is, each time the cycle repeats the abuse can get worse and the honeymoon period gets shorter. For the victim, they begin to believe that in order to stop the abuse, they must improve their behavior, they must be better people, clean the house better, take care of the kids better and on and on. In reality, the abuse is not about the victim, it is about the abuser. The problems belong to the abuser and have very little to do with the person they are abusing. I hope that you understand that. This is not your problem, it is his.
One day will it go too far? Yes, more than likely.
What do I do about this? The best thing you can do is leave and don't look back. Professional help is the only way your boyfriend will be able to deal with the issues in his life which cause the violence and the anger. Most abusers do not seek out help, or when they do, they do it to get their victims to change their mind about leaving the relationship. Their motivations usually are to manipulate rather than produce real change in their lives. Short of leaving you can call the police, but if you do that you have to follow through and press charges. If you have a local women's center or domestic violence organization, you can give them a call. They have many resources to help women deal with these kinds of situations. They often have abuse counseling services available, court advocacy and other resources at little or no charge.
You must come to the decision that you are worth more than to spend your life fighting with someone who abuses you. Emotional health will be your best friend and will serve to keep you out of relationships like this. I would sincerely encourage you to seek out an abuse counselor for yourself, whether you stay or go. It would be of tremendous benefit for you. They can also help you to determine when others are being abusive to you. Jenna, just because you are a human being you deserve honor and respect. We all do. When someone does not treat you in a respectful or honorable way, they are mistreating you. Disagreements can happen respectfully and should never involve physical or emotional violence. You are worth more than that Jenna. If your boyfriend cannot see that, that is not your problem it is his and you can do very little to change his perspective. He must do that.
I hope I have been able to answer your questions. I truly wish you well and extend the invitation to contact me again if you need further assistance.
