Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/25/2009

Question
My husband and I got married just over a year ago. We got married fast after only a month of dating but we went to high school together. I always knew he had a temper but what started out as yelling and name calling has turned into broken car windows, holes in doors, and he's even started to push, shove and grab me. I feel afraid of him when he's mad, but I love him and see him as perfect when he's not. I've been thinking of leaving him because I've tried to get him help, tell him he's hurting me, and that we aren't okay, but he just sees everything as my fault. So my question is should I leave my husband?

Answer
Courtney,

With the fullest respect to your phrasing of the question, allow me to rephrase it slightly.  Instead of 'should I leave my husband?' I would ask, 'should I assume responsibility for my personal safety?'

Of course, the answer to that would be 'yes'.  You are talking about symptoms that speak to an old, old problem.  When anger escalates to a rage that leads to punching holes in doors and breaking car windows, we have to assume that such an anger took roots long before the onset of your life together as a married couple.  From where I stand, your scenario has the classic characteristics of an abusive relationship.  Abuse starts with a person feeling rotten about self, and knowing no other way to ease the inner pain, projects blame on to the closest available willing-to-be-victim.

But this is not all just about your husband.  This situation in which you have found yourself is also very much of your making.  And if you do not learn the lessons presenting themselves in this experience, you are apt to make of yourself an abused woman.  The signs are there.

Hear yourself, Courtney -- I feel afraid of him when he's mad, but I love him and see him as perfect when he's not.  

Love and fear cannot occupy the same emotional space -- or can they?  It seems that love draws people together; whereas fear repels.

That you have persisted in exposing yourself to abuse that seems to be predictably escalating speaks to your own perception of self-worth.  You are valuable; you are important; you deserve to be respected, treasured, honored.  And you receive such treatment when you show that you honor and respect yourself; that there are some types of communication in which you would take no part.

Yes, if you really care about a person to the extent you have vowed to stay with them till death do you part, and you see them indulging in self-destructive behavior you would want to do all you can to save them; you might even tend to forgive the first hint of abusive behavior; but when that person becomes so distorted that they no longer see you as someone to protect and love, but as someone or some thing to wildly assault, you had better shift from trying to save that person, to saving yourself from their assaults; because it becomes a real possibility that you could be hurt.

It seems that it is time to pass the responsibility for taking care of your husband's rage to those equipped to do so.  Of course he would have to submit himself for treatment, or help.  It is laudable for you to continue loving your husband but if his emotional state prevents him from being a husband, it might be wise for you to consider who would take care of your safety if you don't.   And if dwelling in the same space with him exposes you to danger, it is for you to decide which takes priority -- you staying, or you leaving.

The abusing person often projects blame, or responsibility for their abuse, on to the abused, or should I say, on to the person who has become so self-rejecting, he/she makes of himself/herself, a victim.
Your husband could never be abusing you if you did not choose to be a helpless victim.

Regardless of past experiences, love yourself, Courtney.  Treasure yourself.  You deserve the best treatment, but you must demonstrate this.  You, relate respectfully; refuse to be abusive nonverbally, and verbally.  Give compassion; give understanding, and demonstrate by the way you relate to others how you would enjoy being related to; let there be no doubt in the mind of anyone with whom you associate, what you would tolerate, and where the line is drawn.

Blessings.

Dr. ES