Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/30/2009

Question
Dr. Springer,  I have verbally abused my wife, and now we are divorced.  We have a child together and I want to stop abusing her.  She said if that I will make chnages to my behavior that we may be able to reconcile.  But I just want to stop doing this.  Because it is not the way I feel about her.  Please help.

Todd

Answer
Todd,

Your honesty is commendable.  And the truth of what you have said, "it is not the way I feel about her...", is deep.  Your behavior definitely is not about your wife, Todd.  It is all about you.  Some self-rejecting self-talk is going on deep within you, and the genesis of this self-rejecting self-talk has its roots in your childhood.  I recommend that you find a Counselor and talk it out, but no amount of talk will free you from the responsibility you have to change your ways.  Habit might have tied you up in self-rejecting, self-hating behavior which led you to hit out at anyone who got too close to see you as you believe you are, but it is up to you to break that habit.  Change your perspective on life; stop telling yourself sorry things about your self, your family, about life.  Change the self talk, and start living moment by moment.  Watch your behavior in the moment, and  make it wholesome.  Truth resides in you; it is for you to practice living in the truth.  And the truth is that Todd is somebody.  Todd is important.  Todd might have done some horrible things; but Todd is a precious person with lots of hurt festering in deep silence.

Some find that associating with a faith based organization helps.  Prayer helps.  Whatever would move you away from old influences and expose your mind to new, positive influences, will help.  But you must change for your own sake; not for another's sake.  Your wife could move on with or without you, difficult though that might be, but you cannot move on without you.  Pursue change for Todd's sake, and don't go pestering your wife, asking her to feel sorry for you. Respect yourself; love yourself.

I recommend the book, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz; and the site on Codependence by Robert Burney.  Read about The Dance of the Wounded Soul.

Read and learn.  Learn and implement, for self improvement.

Blessings.

Dr. ES