Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/2/2009

Question
My fiancé is a single father. I have known both him and his daughter for many years. He and I started out as friends. I was a single mom with sons and he was a single dad with a daughter, so we helped each other out.  We were just friends for probably about 5 or 6 years before we started dating, he asked me to marry him last year.  His daughter was never very affectionate or even kind to him unless she wanted something, and she hated for him to even have any friends or any kind of life outside of her, she tolerated me because I would do things for her and take her places and our relationship revolved not around her father but more around her and what she needed.

It always bothered me though that from the time she was pretty young she would do really rude things like walk in and turn off the TV while he was watching it, or break his things if she did not get something she wanted like new bedroom furniture, or a new TV of her own, or something.  If breaking his things and throwing out right tantrums did not work she would lay into him for days about how mean he was and how much she had lost because of him and how she did not have a real family because of him and make him feel so guilty he would eventually cave in and give her what she wanted, then after he would get her what she wanted she would say it was not good enough, he would hardly ever do anything about stuff when she behaved poorly.  Maybe he would tell her it was not nice, or if he was going to be really harsh he would take away some of her TV time.  

She is 16 now but does not drive.  Sense we have been engaged she has gotten even worse to him and is horrible to my children and me.  She refuses to acknowledge anything about my children, or me and I do mean anything. If my children say hello, she acts like they are not even there, she stares right through them, she will not even speak to them, same thing with me and I really mean not even speak (she really acts as if we do not exist). She throws and breaks things, she slams doors in peoples faces, she threatens her father constantly, if he and I go anywhere she will send him text messages saying if you do not get back here in the next hour I will never come see you again.  She calls him stupid insults his clothes, his appearance, and basically says anything mean or derogatory she can think of, and if she does not get her way when she is with him she will refuse to speak to him for the rest of a visit and maybe destroy things of his.  She charged up one of his credit cards because she was mad at him because she found out he told me things she had been doing, and she tells him he better not tell me anything about what she says or does.  If my children and I show up anywhere she already is she will throw things and stomp out of a room and slam the door.  Then text him threats the entire time we are there. Eventually he will ask us to leave then she will be nice to him for a while eventually though it all starts back up and it is always his fault because things were so good until he did something to make her upset. He says things like it is his fault she behaves like that, and he deserves it.  I swear it is like watching an abuser and an abused spouse.  .

She has been treating him with such hatred and disrespect for so long that it is like he is not even a father anymore just a target or something to be used to get what she wants.  He really believes he deserves this kind of treatment and he will not do anything about it because he is afraid if he does she will never see him again or afraid of what she might do. She controls him with fear and guilt.  She has already gotten mad at him and gone to live with her mother, but he still gets her anything she wants, for fear that he will now never see her again at all.  Worst of all he wants me to tolerate her behavior.  I cannot do that, I know I do not deserve it and I know my children do not either, I also know he does not deserve that treatment, and I cannot watch him be treated like this.  I know this is not and has never been normal behavior for a child to display towards a parent.  I know she has always been manipulative, but it is really getting so bad that he hardly wants to get out of bed.  I used to volunteer at a women’s shelter so I got to a point where abusive cycles are very apparent to me, but this one has me stumped.  Am I wrong? Or is this an abusive relationship?  Can a child be abusing a parent?  I have no idea what to do or how to help him, I have come to the point though that I know it is not a safe for me or my boys, to be part of that, and as much as it hurt me I told him I will not marry him until he can get this situation handle in a healthy fashion, but what is the healthy way to deal with this?  

Answer
Dear Kate,
This sounds like a very tragic situation, but you have handled it very well.  I was glad to see that you decided not to move forward with the marriage until this gets under control because it would have been a huge source of contention in your relationship.  That is a good decision.

Yes, this is an abusive relationship, with your fiance playing the part of the victim.  This child has learned that she can get what she wants through violence and intimidation because there are no boundaries being set.  There should be definite consequences for her actions....especially the credit card fraud.  

Your fiance really needs to get into some counseling to help with his inability to stand up for himself.  If he believes he deserves this kind of treatment, that is a counseling issue for sure, but I'm sure it goes deeper than that. He sounds like he is battling with depression and if so, his perspective will be skewed.  He is not doing this girl any favors if he rewards her behavior and teaches her by his responses that this is an appropriate way to achieve her goals.  

She needs to be in counseling as well.  This could be acting out behavior or a pattern that indicates other mental health concerns. You didn't mention if this only happens with him or not, but it would be in her best interest to be evaluated by a professional and then go from there.  What concerns me is that she has broken the law and she is violent.  At 16 there are developmental issues to consider, but a professional can advise her parents about that and any resources available to help her.

The best thing you can do for your children is to not expose them to this toxic environment.  You can remain an encouragement in his life, but he really needs some professional help with this.  It is beyond most parent's skill level to deal with appropriately.

Thank you for writing and I wish you well as you move forward.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
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