Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 3/21/2009

Question
I have been married for alittle over a year and the first part of the marriage was great than about 8 months into the marriage my husband started calling me Names such as B**ch and C**nt and some other choice words and I don't know where it all came from and he is one that is big on Porn and I never could understand why he wanted to watch it and he always tells me it's because "he likes it" as his says and I'm not all into that.  He also try's to bring it into the bedroom which that is a turn off for me.  He always says " Well if you would get it to me more than I would not watch Porn"  I work a full time job and I have to come home and clean the house Which he thinks that there is no need to as I tell him if I was a stay at home wife or mom than that would be different but I'm not! I just don't understand what I did so wrong to be treated like he treats me now I love this man and would do anything for him but I can't get him to see how much that porn is messing up our relationship.  Is there something that I'm doing wrong?

Answer
Jacqueline,

I don't think it is so much that to him you are doing something wrong, as it is that you both have different values and apparently severely different levels of self-appreciation.

Perhaps you should take a clear look at what it is you are in love with.  To love another is fine, but to claim to love another with whom you wish to share your life when that person is lacking in self respect, and therefore incapable of being sensitive to your feelings, seems to me to be setting you up for long term unhappiness.  So now, that your marriage is young, I caution you to seriously review your values, and your commitment to live by them.

What often happens over the years with women in your situation is that they keep on taking the abuse, subjecting themselves to the name calling, till they convince themselves eventually that something is wrong with them, so they give in to all sorts of indignities by the husband, and end up not liking themselves, believing the lie that they are worthless, and they become virtually the yoyo on the string of their husband's merry-go-round, or rather, their marriage becomes a roller coaster experience.  

This does not have to happen to you.  Intimacy in marriage should be the one place where a person is convinced of the tender love of their spouse.  If a partner wants you to satisfy their lust for porn, they are not thinking of you, your feelings, and your right to be cherished; they are thinking of their lascivious desires and voyeuristic indulgences.  You become to them, just another source of erotic stimulation.  And maybe that is basically what the other person might want.  The question is, what do you want.

Are you in love with the man who is demanding this of you, or are you in love with the illusion with which you have enshrouded this man?  If you were not a working woman would you have indulged him, or is it that against your set of values what he is asking for is repugnant?  Be clear of what you are saying to yourself; because ultimately your life story is not this man's responsibility; it is yours.

Claim your strength; take charge of your inherent dignity.

Blessings and love.

Dr. ES