Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/31/2009

Question
Dear experts-
I recently broke up with my ex of 2yrs off and
on.I was very in love with him and still am.we
are both 20yrs old and met our freshman ur of
college.at first we had a great relationship.but
then he cheated 8months in I took him back
after he promised he would change.we ended
up getting engaged.and for another 3 months
we were perfect again then school started and
he bece distant.I found out later on that in the
begining of our relationship he was still talking
to his ex. After we became engaged he started
talking to another girl behind my back and I
broke of off with him and again took him back
believing he was going to change.and  no
more than a week later he's back at it.I knew I
should have never taken him back and I want
this to be the last time.I asked him not to
contact me anymore.but I need the strength to
stay away from him which is hard because it's
a small school we have alot of the same
friends and always end up seeing
eachother.he is so mean and does things to
hurts like flirting with other women in front of
me or kissing them at parties.I know I deserve
better,but can not bring myself to let go.I need
all the advice I can get.please help!






bxnd

Answer
Dear KS,
I understand how hard it can be to just turn feelings on and off.  You have a really good grasp of the situation and seem to understand the dynamics quite well.  Good for you!  However, in one email I am not going to be able to solve any problems for you.  I can only give you some guidance and will do my best to do so.

This is really a self esteem/identity issue as well as a deep desire to be loved.  When women have such a deep need to be loved, they will accept love or anything that feels like it from whatever source that offers it.  Many times those sources are unhealthy and cause a lot of pain.  

Knowing who you are and being comfortable with yourself goes a long way to not letting others (boyfriends, men, friends etc) define who you are.  When you are with him, he may lend a feeling of worth to you on some level and that may be what you are looking for in a relationship.  There is not a problem in giving someone a second chance, however when you do, they must have demonstrated concretely that they have changed, as evidenced by enlisting help with their problem, being able to identify deeply with the pain they have caused those around them and being willing to go above and beyond the call to restore trust.  If someone does these things, then you know there has been a heart change and therefore a behavior change.  It does not sound like your boyfriend has done any of these things.

Matters of the heart are difficult to negotiate, but if you understand that character issues run deep and often need outside help to change, you will know that you can't just accept someone's word that they will never "do it again" unless you see those words backed up by action.  Even at that, you don't have to submit to re-entry into the relationship until you actually are assured the person has changed...in other words, you don't have to hang around and be hurt while they try to heal.

My best advice to you would be to find a counselor who is a good fit for you and work with them on the issues that keep you hanging on to a relationship that is untrustworthy and hurtful.  You want someone in your life who will love and honor you, who wants to be with you and has made the decision that you are the only one they want in their life.  This guy hasn't made that decision and he may have other issues going on that would interfere with healthy relationships as well.  You know in your head what you need to do, but there are beliefs in the heart that contradict that wisdom.  Those are the issues a counselor can help you with.

I truly wish you well as you make these decisions.  Truth will set you free and once you realize how valuable you are and resolve not to be treated with anything less than respect and honor, you will have no trouble letting go of this guy.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com