Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/30/2009

Question
My 18yo daughter, college freshman is dating a 17yo 11th grader. He will be 18 in 2 weeks.  He lives with grandparents as his mother was a drug abuser and took off.  We met him and he has a tattoo with DGAF inscribed on it.  The younger siblings could not believe she would date something like this.  I kept my mouth shut at first. He already was wanting to marry her with in a couple of weeks.  This is her first real boyfriend and I know she was very flattered by his immediate love.  She swore he didn't do drugs,which I had trouble believing.  About 1 1/2 months into the relationship she found out he did coc and broke up with him.  They are soon talking again because he is changing for her so she will give him a chance.  But a few weeks later she again breaks up with him and now she calls to tell me she is scared he might kill her, he is crazy, he had a party at the grandparents house and he came out with a shot gun to scare people off, sometimes he grabs her face and forces her to tell her she loves him, he pinches her and tells her not to gain any more weight, and he pointed a bb gun at her face.  I talked to her about the cycle of abuse...she gets it, she tells all of her friends who will listen about her problems and goes right back to him after they tell her to stay away.  Well, he was in counseling for about three weeks because of his drug usage and she just knew he quit, and don't I believe in giving second chances?  This cycle goes on and he expresses his desire to have a child with her so he can be connected to her forever.  To back track when she told me he did drugs I told her he was not welcome at our house although I know he has had a rough life, we have a zero tolerance policy regarding drug users.  She has respected this when she is home...otherwise she lives at school.  I never forbid her from seeing him but I have two younger children and I will not put them in jeopardy by allowing a drug user with violent tendencies to feel welcome in our home.  About two weeks ago she calls me crying saying I was right all along.  He got mad and was yelling and screaming at her.  He demanded to know who she was texting, she lied and he saw it was a guy friend and grabbed the phone to call the guy who lives out of state.  She jumps on his back to grab the phone, he throws her into the couch.  I forget all the specifics/sequence but he picked her up and carried her outside at some point he put his hands around her neck two times, a car was coming in the dark and he would not let her get out of the street, some people came out and a parent brought her home. By this time she has a girlfriend at our house and within minutes she is wondering how he is feeling, does he feel bad, so she is busy texting to find out.  Ofcourse within a few days he has messages posted on his myspace to her and the texting begins nonstop.  I hate to say this but I think she is getting something out of this and at some level enjoys the attention/excitement and tends not to believe it will escalate.  She is not quiet or meek and I question why she would be busy texting another guy while with him knowing that he would ask who she was texting and go nuts when he found out.  Was she trying to provoke an angry response?  SHe comes from a two parent household, we do not do drugs or drink, and there has never been any violence what so ever. I have never known her to do drugs, she is funny, outspoken, and outgoing and we all agree we have a good relationship, she shares so much with me. She does have ADHD which makes me wonder if on a physical level her body craves the stimulation from being in a volatile relationship. We pay for her tuition, room, phone and car. Took her car away because she was racking up miles.  I do not know what to do about her cell as the last time she requested he be blocked, he just called her girlfriends, who called her and then called him.  Then he just called off other peoples phones. The texting and calling is constant even when they are in class. The only way to prevent this is if I block her phone 24/7 and allow 10 numbers she can call (family/close friends).  He lives about 25min away so she would have to use someone else's phone to contact him.  SHould I do this or just let her have full phone priveleges and not worry about the calls?  My husband and I feel she is in a dangerous relationship and that just as we would not let her walk around with a bottle of alcohol if she were an alcoholic, paying for her cell phone so she can continue in an unhealthy relationship is another form of enabling.  We understand the need for her to make and learn from her own mistakes but where do we draw the line when the boyfriend uses coc and has access to guns?  Sorry so long...and thanks in advance!

Answer
Dear Julie,
This is a really tough situation and I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.  Watching our kids make mistakes like this is heart wrenching.  

There is not a lot you can do legally because she is 18.  As you probably understand, what you are trying to be is her self control and that is very hard to do by using outside controls.  What you really want her to do is to refuse his calls, ignore his texts and make the decision to turn away from him as an act of her own choice rather than by being coerced from the outside.  You are correct about the phone in that there are always ways around the blocks, but if you cut off the phone, you are basically cutting off your own communication with her and her ability to call 911 if she should need to.  I'm not sure that it is worth it.  

What might be a consideration is to hit a little harder.  Let her know that if she does not start making better choices, you will no longer finance her ability to make bad choices.  Stop paying for college, room, phone and car.  That will force her back home (more than likely) and she will need to find a job and life will become real for her. She may not be ready for life away from home as evidenced by her choices and that needs to be brought to her attention. Kids with ADHD have a difficult time connecting behavior with consequences so that connection needs to be strong and clear.  If you want to bring out the big guns, you can tell her that as her parents, you can petition the court to have her declared incompetent and then you will be able to make decisions for her.  Her behavior evidences very poor judgment and her life has been threatened.  It only takes 11 pounds of pressure around the neck for 8 seconds to kill.

This boy has committed assault against her and she could turn him in to the police. However, if she won't press charges, that won't be a deterrent for the boy.   Short of that, I would recommend getting your daughter into abuse counseling where someone other than mom or dad can lay out the truth for her.  You are correct, she IS in a dangerous relationship and if she has to be pulled out of school in order to make her safe, then I would consider that.

I wish you both well.  It is clear you love your daughter very much and want the very best for her.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com