Expert: Nafeesah - 4/14/2009

Question
Dear Nafeesah,
I would really appreciate your advice. I will try to be as unbiased as I can. I have been going out with a guy for about three years. We went out before for two years before that.
The first problem is that everything is mine, the house, cars etc. He is nearly 40 now and I feel so guilty that he has nothing of his own, I feel like I owe him and that I led him on to believe it would be his. He has no career as such and drifts from jobs. I am very well qualified but my salary isn't great. I am hoping to retrain with money I have saved, he is resentful about this. He has never taken on any responsibility ever like getting a mortgage etc. My parents are reasonably well off whereas his are a bit "bohemian". He thinks I have been handed everything on a plate and it is true that my parents helped me buy my house.He procrastinates and I know in my heart he is all talk when he says he will go back to college, he would if I paid. He completely saps my energy. But guilt and fear of loneliness keeps me here. I know it takes two to create a situation and I am the other partner in the dance. I just need help to go or figure out a solution if I stay,
Thank you for your help,
Nina

Answer
Ok what bothers me about this guy is that he could have been a lot more along in his life by the time he's 40. Most men at 40 are in stable careers and have their own stuff like a home, car, and a wife and family. You seem to have alot of your stuff together despite getting help with purchasing a home. The fact that you've had a total of 5 years together sounds to me like this guy has not grown up yet if he's done nothing with himself in terms of responsibilities. I would rethink this if you're looking to settle down and having a family. If he procrastinates what would happen if you have bills to pay or children you need to deal with someone who's dependable. Guilt and loneliness should never keep you attached to someone you know is wrong for you and the fact that he's depriving your energy level is bad. Something like this is not worth sticking around for.