Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: My ex partner, a now recovering alcoholic,ended our seven year relationship by doing a complete turnaround. I went from being the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with to a devil woman in a space of 24 hours.

I was left in a vulneable situation as I had left my job and put my house on the market so that, according to our mutually decided plans, we could move abroad together.  He has never really explained why he changed his mind, and as I see 'stabbed me in the back' except to repeatedly tell me it was all my fault.

I asked him to go to couples counselling..he refused point blank.  I have let go of wondering why he chose to leave the relationship,but still grieve for the life we had planned, and so wish i didn't.

I had worked hard to make it possible,and he was fully involved in the dream too. I have, to a great extent, taken all the blame, and i realise my self worth and confidence has been eroded, and from that place I have tried to make it alright with my family and friends so that they will still keep in touch with him.  We (he and I) don't meet but ther is an email contact in which he tells me how is living our plans......I think I have only just realised how cruel this man, who I considered to be so lovely, really can be.  I believe for years,including whilst he was drinking, he was playing with my life and emotions. I know think he has projected onto me (and women in general) his own issues. . . when he drinks paranoia is a feature of his 'hangovers'.  My problem is I am very tolerant and forgiving of him. I want him out of my life,but go down the path of' he'll be alone without my family and me' being married to the bottle or twenty years he never married so doesn't have children. he has offerd to be a live-in-carer for his elderly mother, but she puts him off.  

I want to stop being available to be hurt by him. . . this is my job I know, but I seem to keep coming back for more. Each email that arrives I hope he will say 'I got it wrong let's pick up where we left off'. I want to be strong enough to let go of those feelings. Your thought swould be very much apprciated. . . no-one in my circle knows how I feel. I dread waking up in the mornings in case the longings return.

ANSWER: Dear Bobbi,
I am so sorry to hear of what has happened to you.  Grieving the loss of a dream is as devastating as grieving the loss of a relationship, so you have experienced two large hits emotionally.  That is really hard and I think you are doing quite well in spite of all that.

My best advice for you would be to get some counseling for yourself around these issues.  Understanding that there are reasons why people drink, he was probably not the most emotionally healthy fish in the pond to begin with, so there may be some issues for you about being able to recognize red flags when you see them.  Also, there is such a thing as unwarranted mercy and I see that in how you are unable to leave him with the consequences of the choices he has made for his life.  It isn't your responsibility to make sure he isn't lonely.  It is his responsibility to stop drinking, get his life in order and become the kind of person people want to have in their lives.  Loneliness is one of the consequences that can push him further into recovery...if you save him from that, where is the motivation?

If he is serious about his recovery, he should be in a program where he is held accountable and is willing to be held accountable for his behavior.  Addicts manipulate and in recovery they experience a myriad of emotions....usually the ones they have been trying to hide from all their lives.  He needs help, but you can't fix him and I say that in all honesty.  You can't be his savior and if you try, you will always be blamed for his failures because he can then transfer all responsibility to you and keep none for himself.  If he chose alcohol over everything else in his life, that was his choice and he has to live with the consequences.  He could choose to turn his life around and spend the rest of it helping others to overcome their addictions.  Then he wouldn't be lonely.  That would be a healthy alternative.  You are not his only choice to supply purpose in his life and I hope that you can see that.

Set him free.  You don't want him in your life, especially if he is still drinking.  Alcoholics who still drink consistently aren't in recovery, they are in relapse.  They need to get through the first year of sobriety before any evaluations can be made.  After a year, their receptor sites have a chance to go back to a normal amount, but even at that, if they take one drink, all the additional receptor sites open again and they are back at the level of addiction they were when they stopped drinking, not before they began to drink.  If he continues to drink and then stop and then drink again, he goes through the withdrawal over and over and over again.  Part of withdrawal is anger, mood swings, cravings, feeling lousy etc.  You don't need to be around for that.  This is what addiction is and if you choose someone who is an addict to be in your life, you will be on a continuous emotional roller coaster.  There is no peace with an addict.

I truly wish you well. These are hard decisions and can take some courage to implement. Please consider finding a counselor and invest in yourself and your healing.  Abuse takes its toll and you deserve help in recovering from it.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,
Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Kriss
You are so right about my ex partner when he was drinking...he hasn't had a drink for nearly 5 years so is currently chemically sober, but I can see from your response and particularly in the area of emotional sobriety especially responsibility he is still practising his addiction.  Over the last few days I am becoming aware of the damage I have done to myself and my family by having a relationship with this man.....and that is painful. Are the red flags you mention specific to each of us? I think mine with him was his intellectual (not emotional!) intelligence
and his consequent wit and humour.  I get very confused between rescuing and being kind in relationships. I have contacted a counsellor I wonder if you could recomend any reading which may help me.

Thankyou so much for reading this.

Warmest regards

Bobbi

Answer
Dear Bobbi,
In regard to red flags and abusive relationships, it is common for women to ignore what would normally alert them to danger when they are confronted by a charming man or have a specific need to be loved themselves.  What abusers give us is abusive behavior that is intermingled with an exterior of what feels like love.  Once uncovered, our need to be loved has us hooked and we keep coming back, hoping that we will be able to find that feeling again.  As human beings, our need for love is like our need for food or oxygen.  It is basic to us.

What normally protects us from abuse is a fundamental respect and honor for ourselves....we have too much respect for ourselves to allow bad treatment from others, no matter what form it is hidden in.  If that element is missing, the need to be loved wins out and we "put up with" bad behavior in order to get our needs met; some people more than others.

I understand the pain that is involved in coming out of denial, but I can assure you, it is a pain that will help you grow and recognize truth.  If we walk in truth, we have strength.  You will grow beyond this man and then wonder why you ever allowed yourself to function at this level.  

Perhaps I can help you with understanding the difference between kindness and rescue.  Kind implies a deep-seated characteristic shown either habitually or on occasion by considerate behavior.  The word kind is an adjective therefore it describes a way in which you act or speak and is not an action.  Rescue on the other hand is a verb which does imply action.  It is the action of saving, recovery or preservation from loss or danger.  You can be kind, but still not rescue someone from that which they need to accomplish themselves.  

For example, in a different light we could look at a small child learning to walk.  They take a few steps and fall, take a few steps and fall...they might even hit their head and scrape their knee.  However if we are kind to them, we will encourage them, praise them for what they do and motivate them to pursue. We will empathize with their hurts and acknowledge that what they are doing is difficult.  If we rescue them, we will pick them up and transport them to where they want to go, never giving them the opportunity to learn to walk.  If we continue to do that, we will end up carrying an 8 year old around because they have never learned to support themselves or develop a sense of balance.  Rescuing is doing for others what they are able to do for themselves...this pertains to addicts, persons with disabilities and even the elderly.  It is honoring and respectful to allow people to do for themselves or learn to do for themselves when they can.  It is also honoring to respect ourselves and others by not allowing others to be dishonoring to us.  Does that make sense?

I'm glad to hear that you have contacted a counselor.  Good for you!  There are a couple of books that might help you.  Since I don't know your background, I will suggest several and you can research them to see which would be helpful to you:  Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them (I think the author is Susan Forward), The Verbally Abusive Relationship and then there is one written for adult daughters of alcoholics called Perfect Daughters.  One of these will be a good resource for you.  There is also one called Learning to Leave, but it may have more extraneous information in it than you are looking for.  Check it out and see what you think.  Amazon.com is always a good place to do that.  

Many blessings to you Bobbi and again, if I can be of any further assistance to you, please contact me again.  

Sincerely,
Kriss