Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/13/2009

Question
Okay this is going to be a complicated issue.

  Tony and I have been dating since September 2008. When I first met Tony, everything seemed great, he had gone to school with my brother (my brother was not a fan of me dating him), and he was educated, owned his own place, and seemed to be on a great track in life. I soon found out this was not true, tony had an ex girlfriend who he had told me about but not to the full detail. I soon found out his ex girlfriends stuff was still in his apartment and that most of the stuff that furnished the apartment was hers. He said he needed her to testify in court against his DUI charges as a witness and needed to keep good ties with her.
  One morning she walked in on the both of us sleeping and began going crazy. This is how i found out the full story about his DUI and ex. I told him I did not care about the DUI and that she needed to get her stuff out if we were going to build anything with me, I also tried to walk away but he insisted I stay and promise (just one of the many broken promises)  things would be better once his case was done and she got her stuff out. I believed him…

  a month and a half later she did in deed get her stuff out and everything seemed to be progressing very well. It was not until my birthday weekend (Feb.) that everything seemed to go sour. While out for my birthday and celebrating Tony focused his whole attention on a friend(now ex friend) of mine, he accused me of consuming myself with my best friend (a male I have know since i was born), and blamed me for it. He made no attempt to meet my other friends and took picture with my friend. She later posted them on the internet. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t even have a picture with him but I was lucky enough to be in the background of their pictures. The next day (my actual birthday), I found out he was still texting and talking to his ex after he told me, he no longer did so. Basically my birthday weekend was filled with his tears in my eyes. He told me “I would feel stupid on Valentine’s Day and to just wait.”

  3 days before Valentines Day I received flowers with a note that said “Happy Valentines Day! Through thick and thin you stood by me and I appreciate all you have done for me. Thanks for everything and I look forward to our future together”.  Valentines Day rolled around and he planned nothing and even tired picking a fight with me the morning of. I suggested dinner and a movie. The wait time was too long for the resturant in his opinion so we went searching the mall to eat, he even tried to take me to the food court! He than picked a fight and decided he didn’t want to see a movie and that we needed a break because of me accusing him of flirt with my friend on my birthday.  

  The following weekend we went out of town, which was horrible. We did nothing but fight. He never had said sorry for flirting with my friend at my bday and lying. He was picking little fights with me the whole time and i said a comment about him being jealous of my brother (which i know hurt him cause i saw watering in his eyes. I accused him of being jealous because he was a marketing major in college and my brother was a English major and he worked for ups and my brother is a marketing agent for a high profile sports agency. ). I did not intend to hurt tony but at that point, he had been so harsh towards me and blaming everything on me that i wanted him to stop making a scene in the recreation room of the hotel. A set of four people were sitting next to us and at one point the older man was staring at tony because of the cruel things he was saying to me.I demand a key to leave and return to our room but he would not allow it. He had me almost in tears in front of everyone.
   He continued with his break. The end of Feb. i called his ex after receiving a voice message from her that said, "Oh i see you’re still messing with tony, disgusting." I wanted to handle the situation in an adult manner. I talked to her which she told me they still talk all the time, that they both planned to get back together after experiencing the fun of sleeping with other people, i didn’t know who to believe after all this ex tried cheating on him in front of his sister and with one of his friends. She also broke his sliding glass door, slammed the door in to the wall, keyed his car, threw his work cell phone and lost it and showed up at six in the morning acting like a crazy person claiming tony had promised not to have anyone over until she got all her belonging out of the house.  On the other hand, he had lied and flirted with my friend and than demanded a break. He said I was feeding her behavior and I should not have called her, it was my fault I felt insecure.
  Early march I left town for a week not knowing where we stood. When i returned tony was busy with community service and dui classes and i did not see him for 2 weeks but talked everyday. He had promised once again that he would see me the day I returned, which did not happen. The break was still in motion and we finally saw each other in the middle of March in which we did not get along. I had requested tony to call his ex in front of me and tell her that he had no plans on getting back together with her and that she needed to stay out of our relationship. He told me i was trying to control him and that no one would ever control him. I was trying to rebuild trust and find security. He still felt that the whole situation about my birthday was my fault. He allowed everyone he knew to judge me and put me down by telling his untrue side of the story.
  We continued to talk and i dropped my request and tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. The first weekend in April we planned to have a date, he was going to cook dinner for me and we would hang out. I saw this as an attempt to work it out and saw a light at the end of the tunnel i had been in for the previous 7 weeks. The afternoon before going to Tony is his ex text me saying "are you two still together? Can you please tell him to stop texting and calling Me." the ex ended up calling me and telling me that he texts her everyday; he is trying to find out where she lives, he told his sister (which she is claims they are all best friends) that he still love her. That the week before my birthday was the last time he saw her, She had been with him at his dads the day of super bowl and all the while he was texting me briefly and not telling me the ex was present, he had also ruined her birthday, and she told me things that made he lies seem like just that...lies (she knew things like a hike with his sister which he told her supposedly that he still loved his ex). she said she was over him and had come to terms he would never change.
  
  I remained calm and went to his house for our date. After a few glasses of wine and listening to him telling me that I owed him so much i played the recorded conversation i had with his ex. I told him she had called me and we talked. He lost it, he text his ex and asked her "why you trying to f*ck it up" she called he right away and he refused to answer, he than told me to leave his house, He said once agin it was my fault for feeding her behavior and answering her call i told him i didn’t want to drink and drive, i left anyways and slept in my car in his parking lot. I had returned to his house and he locked me out and ignored my calls claiming he fell asleep.
  
   The next day he tried telling me i should not have answered her call, that he just wanted a nice night with me and that he wanted me to stay but i wanted to leave. He said he was not seeing anyone and had not been but i did not believe him because i was so confused as to who was telling the truth. The following days consist of me blocking his phone number and him contacting me on emails, he claiming i wanted a open relationship (he was the one who wanted a break!), I reopened my request for him to call his ex and tell her it was done between them and that he moved on.I told him I would not work it out until my request was filled. I stood my ground. He continued to say i was trying to control him and refused to do it.


  Five days later I make a bad decision and went on a date with a person i had dated in the past and who tony knew because of mutual friends. I slept with him. It was an odd situation, this was a person who I really enjoyed spending time with in the past.  Suddenly in his presence, it seemed like we had a connection. I left early the next day leaving the guy shocked and confused.
  
   Tony and i talked the next day and he was telling me family issues he had and that i had already known about. He said that maybe he needed therapy. His father had an affair and left his mother and their children for the other women. I fear tony will do the same as the situation has made him weak instead of stronger. That night after getting off the phone, i emailed tony and told him that since he refuses to build the bridge of trust and sees it as me controlling him we would never work. He said we would talk tomorrow.

  Tomorrow rolled around and tony felt watching the fight with his friend was better than talking as he promised; he was acting distant and ignoring my emails. Out of frustration due to his lack of attempting to follow thru on his words of talking things out, I told him i slept with someone else. He flipped out calling me and emailing me telling me I was a slut and whore. He even put me speakerphone for his friend to hear what i was saying.

  I do not feel like I cheated on him after all it had been 2 months and he made no effort to make things better. I also felt i had to tell him not only because he would most likely hear it from mutual friends but also because if I did not and he found out all his lies would suddenly be okay.

  What do you think of all this? I feel like i have been verbally abused and my mind has been played with in a sense. I truly care about tony and at one point we had a very open relationship, I could talk to him about anything but now for the last two months he has turned into someone i do not know. I do not know what to think of the ex and feel like him not calling her in front of me is making everything she said to be true. Is it controlling?

This may be a complicated letter. I would also like to tell you I am 25 and he is 28. I Worked hard to correct my past and become a positive person, which i feel i have allowed tony to teardown. I work as a nanny which has taught me a great deal of compassion, patience, and love but unfortunately I feel makes me a person who finds people in need of help. I know this is not healthy but do you think I have allowed his ex to destroy us? Can it be true he wanted to work it out and i was in fact trying to control him? I have been in a physically and verbally abusive relationship which i think makes me more confused. I was very open about my past with tony. When Tony’s ex showed up and I was, in the house i felt her heartbreak because i had been her once and now i was the other women. Was i wrong for sleeping with someone else or is he trying to make me the bad person?

Is it a concern that his ex is still close with his family and best friends with his twin sister as well as older sister. He even lied about new years. His sister had a party and accused me of being angry because he was trying to spend time with his family. He said his ex might be present and that she would cause drama if I came. He text me and told me she was not at the party ( which she was and he even took a picture with her) at 3 am he asked me to come get him and I refused.  Please help me to figure this all out.



I appreciate any advice you have.
Thanks so much!


Answer
Dear Natalie,
My goodness...it sounds as if this is a very chaotic place for you to be and you're right, it isn't healthy.  Women who have past abuse in their lives are at somewhat of a disadvantage because boundaries get blurred and they don't really see when they are being crossed.

I think you have a good head on your shoulders.  You see what is going on, but those boundaries are just a little blurred.  The most important thing that you need to see here is that you are not responsible for anything concerning his ex.  Tony is responsible for putting up those boundaries and because he is not, you are trying to.  That is a lose/lose situation because you have no control.  If he continues to contact her or allow her to contact him, you can't stop that...he has to make those decisions and it sounds as though he is not doing that.  Red flag number one.

He has a DUI...that is a character issue that should be strongly paid attention to and you have dismissed it.  Red flag number two.

He is blaming you for things that are not your responsibility...reacting to his dishonor on your birthday, valentine's day etc.  That is textbook behavior of an abuser and is also a character issue. People that are unable to accept responsibility for their own feelings and their own behavior are irresponsible in relationships and other areas of their lives. Red flag number three.

Why would you even consider being connected to a person who behaves like this and treats you so disrespectfully and can't be trusted?   Red flag number four.

Natalie, my best advice to you would be to get out of this relationship and get into some abuse counseling.  A counselor will be able to help you with the issues that allow your own personal boundaries to be overrun and also help you to value yourself more than you do now.  If Tony is having these kinds of problems and is unable to see his part in it all, you are not going to be able to change that.  He fits the abusive pattern very well and needs professional help himself in order to overcome in these emotional areas.  He also is adding alcohol to the mix which is never a good sign and often only gets worse.

You sound like a delightful young woman.  Natalie, life is really too short to spend it in abusive and manipulative relationships.  Invest in yourself with some counseling and once you are healed, you will find it easier to say no to these type of individuals.  

I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com