AboutEugenia Springer, Ph.D. Expertise I can answer your questions on how to stop being a victim, and/or how to stop being an abuser. My ability to help you, however, would depend on your willingness to assume full responsibility for helping yourself.
Experience From the 1970s to the present, my life has been a search after knowing my purpose, knowing myself, and knowing God. I talk about this search in my 2002 book, "Further Insights Into the Journey".
After years of teaching biology at university, I became a radio Family Life Counselor, and a newspaper columnist, responding to callers on radio, and replying to letters from the public, in the newspapers.
My book for the adolescent girl, "Girl, It's All About You"(Review & Herald Publishers 1980, and out of print) was my attempt to marry my field of training--biology, and my adoptive field--interpersonal relationships.
"Further Insights Into the Journey" is about my search for personal freedom--a search for freedom from external controls; for freedom from fear. Through very instructive experiences, many sorely trying, I uncovered that freedom within me, and found myself progressively experiencing increasingly greater measures of peace.
To get your copy of "Further Insights Into The Journey" email me at dreugenia.springer@gmail.com
Currently I am the host and producer of the weekly call-in radio program, Life and Living/Soul to Soul. You can access my program on-line at www.power102fm.com.
Education/Credentials Certificate in Parenting and Family Life Counseling
Certificate in Dianetics Counseling
Ph.D. in Zoology (specializing in Biochemical Genetics)
Question I was with a man for 14 years,we are broke up 4 months now.I had two children when we met,and after 8 years together had a child.He has been abusive to me physically and emotionally over the years.I always forgave him because he said he would change,not the case though.He is with someone now after only 4 months apart,i cant believe this.He has totally ignored my eldest two daughters whom he reared from babies,and now my 5 year old(his)is getting left there as he is spending all his time with this new woman.He has told me this new woman is better than me and i was never right for him.Is this possible do abusers really find love? Was i part of the problem,he has made me feel so bad.
Answer Elizabeth,
No matter how abusive a partner might be, once you have invested time and emotions in the relationship it is a challenge for you to do what deep inside you know you must do.
Nobody should tolerate abuse, especially persons who bring with them one or more child into the relationship. Abuse in the home scares children. Yet you stayed. Why? And here, I address your question, "Was I part of the problem?"
Yes, Elizabeth, whatever happened to you as you grew up must have positioned you emotionally to look to another for validation of your worth. Things happened to you that knocked away the self confidence with which you were born. But it is not too late. And your life ultimately is not about this man. It is about you appreciating Elizabeth, and thinking positive thoughts about Elizabeth; about you loving those children, and going all out to play and laugh with them, read to them, and make them feel safe.
This man can twist you around as long as you make him feel he holds the key to your happiness. Of course it could be tough if you share the same dwelling. But you need to stop behaving as though without him you are nothing.
Give him credit for having stood by you in the early days, helping you with your babies. But he has his issues, his own baggage/garbage to sort out. It must be tough for you to see him go to another woman, but look at the situation realistically. This man was not loving to you; and he could not be, because he was not loving to himself. Neither were you loving to yourself. But life is good. You stayed there taking the abuse. You do not deserve abuse from anyone. You evidently did not realize that you are strong enough to stand in your own God given strength, and so you stayed; but then he walked away. From what you said, he did you the greatest good he was capable of doing by walking away.
Lift your sights, Elizabeth. Give yourself better from here on.
You are strong. You are a beautiful soul. Tell yourself that you will make yourself and your children happy today, just for today. Tomorrow, tell yourself the same thing. Just for today, I will be the most loving mother; I will be kind to myself; I will find reason to give thanks, and smile, just for today.
