Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/27/2009

Question
Okay I am going to try to keep this as short as possible…..I met Anthony while out one night we got to talking and I found out he had gone to high school with my brother. I believed Anthony. Although he was with a girl that night, I thought nothing of it as he claimed her to be a friend. Everything seemed to be going great until my bday in Feb when he flirted with my friend all night, Valentines Day when he tried to take me to the food court at the local mall, and finally big bear when he yelled at me and told me he wanted to get into my head to figure me out.



He demanded a break, not to sleep or date other people but to sort everything out. Claimed he wanted to work on the issues we had and he wanted to be a better man. Many issues had to do with his ex who was still calling and had started calling me and harassing me. Anthony refused to put up boundaries. I caught him a few times in a few different lies and was beginning to see that it was going to work but made myself believe he was being truthful.


I suppose this is the easiest way to say this…



Imagine you are dating a guy for 7 months and he is swearing all over the place he is not cheating and you are making it all up in your head. You believe him, give him chances to better himself and stand by his side even when his ex comes storming in at 6am waking you out of a dead sleep. You stay true to him, you do all you can for him when he needs it, he tells you his family knows about  you, he sees a future with you, he wants to work it out, and suddenly a girl with your name appears and he’s been doing and saying all the same crap to her.



Last week I found out that Anthony was dating another girl with the same name as me. He purchased us both my favorite perfume for xmas, he sent us both flowers for valentines day which he ordered in front of me on my bday, and he had been telling us both the same things about working on fixing our problems, loving us, and that we were the ones who wanted open relationships. I feel out of my mind, I am extremely hurt and confused. It Seems to mess with me more because the girl has the same name and now that I am the youngest I am still a baby and immature. He has taken everything and turned it on me, one minute the other girl is better than me, she treats him better, stronger willed, independent, good heart and the next he loves her because she was homeless in high school and both her parents died. The other girl came to his house spray pained “Liar” in his parking spot for his whole apartment community to see and put peanut butter on his door handles. How am I immature? So what if I posted a picture of my bday night with him and my ex friend and wrote for all females to watch out and not date Anthony. I need closure somewhere and if I can stop someone from being hurt and lied to I will. Everything has been twisted to make me look like a bad guy….I am sad, depressed, confused, and plain just don’t get how someone could lie to me for the life of our relationship. He has completely belittled me, telling me I was never meant to be his girlfriend, he did not want to work it out, he never loved me (that is just something he says during sex) and that he always loved her. I have messages from him proving him wrong. I feel like this girl that found out about me in Jan and broke up with him but came back in Feb. stepped on my toes…..I do not know if what I am feeling is ok. PLEASE HELP ME!

Natalie


Answer
Dear Natalie,
This does not sound like a very good relationship for you to be in on any level.  There's too much unhealthy stuff going on here from no boundaries with ex's to lack of truthfulness.  You can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust and Anthony does not seem to be doing much to promote trust in the relationship.

You ask if what you are feeling is OK.  It is always difficult when someone does not respect us and value us and I think that is the main issue here.  Whether this person stepped on your toes or not is really not the question.  The question is why are you concerned about it?  This whole relationship is a bad deal and if I were you, I'd just drop him and find someone who would treat me better.  There is no future with this person and any woman who would fight you for him, I'd let her have him.

Do yourself a favor and move on.  Leave all the drama behind you and let all these people work out whatever they want to while you move on to something better.  You are worth more than to be caught up in a mess like this.  Don't let men treat you like this...at the first sign of abuse, move on and don't look back.

Blessings,
Kriss