Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/22/2009

Question
I'm 18 and have been going out with my boyfriend for the last 14 months. Since I started University we have been living about 120 miles from each other. We both have a history of depression and that is where the confusion stems from. I don't know whether he is actually abusing me or whether we are both feeling down and that is making things seem really bad.


My exams start next week and exam time is always an extremely stressful time for me. He knows this and yet he continues to call me every time he has a break, sometimes refusing to end the call for up to an hour (I'll be saying my goodbyes and he'll all of a sudden come in with "Oh! I forgot to mention..." and we'll be on the phone for another 10 minutes) as well as expecting me to talk online to him almost all day when he has a day off. If I'm not online he'll call. If he feels the call hasn't been long enough he'll wait (typically for about half an hour or an hour) and then he'll call again. Even if I've told him I'm going to do something. If I tell him that I need some time to myself or that I was doing something before he called he'll break into "Oh! I'm sorry. You did say that. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. You probably don't want to talk to me right now. I'm sorry." and I'll feel selfish and horrible and I'll feel so bad for it.

Also since starting university I've not had any friends. He has outwardly encouraged me making friends, but it's all guys on my course except me and any time I mention one of these guys he gets really quiet and sounds really sad and then apologizes for it and makes me feel bad. He also always leaves early on nights out with friends from home (leaving me to go with him seeing as I have nowhere else to stay nearby) and has implied several times that he suspects I might want to have an affair with my lesbian best friend.

Recently to cope with my exam stress I've been visiting my family and studying at home. Just getting out of this flat does me the world of good. Obviously I don't invite my boyfriend round every time I'm round because I need some space sometimes and because I'm trying to study and pass my exams. If he phones and I'm at home though... He says things on the phone like "Oh. Well, it makes sense that you'd want to spend time with your family. I guess you wouldn't want me around interrupting your family time. I should probably stop calling you too. You probably don't want to hear from me." It makes me feel selfish for trying to make myself feel better.

He sends me letters and parcels in the post constantly. If I'm not in to collect the parcel or I don't mention it right away or I don't send a letter back he tells me he's unappreciated and how he feels like I do nothing for him compared to everything he does for me. He recently told me he thinks I just think of him as a convenience and that I don't spend enough time with him or doing things with him to make him feel that I want a relationship with him.

The thing is we've booked a holiday for June. Just the two of us. We're going to Dubai for two weeks to visit his dad. If I break up with him I'm £300 down. Which is a bit more money than I can afford to be without...

Answer
Dear Amy,
This sounds very frustrating and confusing for you.  It's always hard to assign motive to someone and even harder to make difficult decisions when it is someone we care about.

Although you ask about abuse, there are several things here to consider.  First whether a person is depressed or not is no excuse to mistreat another person.  If, out of depression, a person reacts badly, that is a sign that something needs to change; whether it be medication, counseling or whatever.  Depression is not an excuse for bad behavior when the person does nothing about it.  You indicated that you both have a history with depression so obviously he knows what is happening and knows what steps to take in order to make the situation better.  Not acting on that kind of information and continuing to behave badly is a red flag that you should pay attention to.

Secondly, long distance relationships are always difficult and this may be showing a level of insecurity in him that should be paid attention to as well.  This is not a real healthy reaction and it is a problem that he must deal with...you have little to do with it, since it seems from what you say that you are acting appropriately.

The biggest problem here is that he is manipulating you with guilt and that is never healthy.  It is controlling behavior, which is abusive because it displays lack of trust and a lack of ability to give free will.  Lack of trust in a relationship is very difficult to overcome and you need to pay attention to that.  If he can only trust you when you are within sight, you may have a bigger problem on your hands than you think.  If he were to say to me, "Oh. Well, it makes sense that you'd want to spend time with your family. I guess you wouldn't want me around interrupting your family time. I should probably stop calling you too. You probably don't want to hear from me.", I would say, "Although that is not how I would say it, I'm glad that we agree on this. Thanks for understanding and I'll give you a call when I get back."  Manipulative guilt always acknowledges what should be done, but in a way that makes you look selfish or stubborn for desiring it.  What you are asking for is that he honor your boundaries and he is not willing to do that so he manipulates you into moving them so he gets what he wants and still can say it was your decision.  I can guarantee you that if you feel guilty, you are being manipulated and that can be a signal to you.  When you feel guilty, you might even just state, "This feels like manipulation to me.  You wouldn't be doing that to me, would you?"  Call him on it when he does it.  It is the only way you are going to be able to confront the behavior.

In regard to your holiday....I may have missed something, but if you already have spent the money or made a deposit with it, its gone whether you break up with him or not, correct?  If you believe breaking up with him is the best thing for you to do, going on holiday with him will send a very different message and it will be confusing for him.  You obviously know how to take care of yourself emotionally, which is a very smart thing.  Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is unable to respect your boundaries and is put in fear when you withdraw for good reasons?  This doesn't sound real healthy.  

If you want to try counseling, that couldn't hurt and might be helpful to you both.  If nothing changes after that, I would let this go.  Life is too short to spend it trying to fix problems that aren't yours to fix.  I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com