Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/13/2009

Question
Hello,
I met a lady at church about two years ago, and we started talking occasionally. We are not close friends, but have a lot in common - we are both in our 30s, from the same part of Europe, have a common language, are new to America and have families with kids. She told me about her family situation, and now I wonder what I can do to help her. Her husband of about 10 years seems to be controlling, not caring and abusing. I never met him, so I only know her side of the story. He is in his 50s, has aspirations of being an artist or architect, but seems to never actually finish his education or find a job securing enough income for their big family. He has mood swings, being nice to "outside" people or to her one day, and then yelling, insulting her really badly and even hitting her next day. Already after they have been married, she discovered that he has some mental diagnosis (not sure exactly which) and prescribed medication, but he wouldn't take it. They have 4 kids, one lives with this lady's mother in another country (because of their financial difficulties), and the other 3 with the parents in a small 1-bedroom place. My friend was a dentist in her country, but to become certified here she needs to pass a lot of courses and exams. They are on welfare, and she is gradually doing her coursework while kids are at school/daycare, but right now she has absolutely no financial independence. Her English is still not so good either, she is pretty helpless in this unfamiliar country, very lonely, and she doesn't have a driver's license which makes her very dependent on her husband as well. She complained to me that her husband would spend time on the couch, watching TV, or with his friends instead of putting effort in finding a decent job, while she frantically runs around with kids and her classes. He blames her for not mastering English or finding a good job, and at the same time doesn't help her with either and actually blocks her efforts. For example, he wouldn't teach her drive systematically; he agreed several times but when she did something wrong he yelled bad names at her and told her she was too stupid to learn. She says because of these swings it is impossible to understand what he really wants of her; she tried to talk to him to no avail, he always puts all blame on her; he wouldn't also go for counseling. He is very suspicious when she asks any help from others. She thinks he is probably afraid of her becoming independent, and humiliates her to gain self-confidence. He is sometimes very irritated and rough with the kids, too, including hitting.

All this sounds like real abuse on one side. On the other side, all couples fight, sometimes badly, and I think most parent spank or hit their kids occasionally, and while this is not fun, it does not necessarily mean a failed family. You can always paint your picture more black (or more pink). This man would be nice to his wife some days; he would help her with her college homework and cook occasionally; she has no doubt he loves his kids. Also, she admits that she would yell and call him names, too; I am far from trying to blame her, just think that on some level this is a mutual thing. On the third side, she certainly needs me to listen to her troubles, but I get a feeling that she does not have an inner resolution to really do anything. She is very religious and puts her trust in God. She would agree that the situation is bad, admit that she is thinking of eventually leaving, but say that she needs to finish her courses, learn to drive etc. first. For example, she signed up for weekend classes at a university where you cannot get by bus, and hoped that if she is nice to her husband, he would agree to drive her there. She also feels that if she leaves, she will have no place to go and wouldn't know how to get by - who will care to teach her drive, for example? I told that social services must be able to take care of her and her kids. She said she had their numbers. I wonder if she really needs my active advice or intervention, and if not having enough support is the only reason for her not to try and really change something - or, if on some deep level she had put up with this victimization and just needs a shoulder to cry on. If she herself is not willing to take measures, I cannot do it for her, and my intervening into delicate matter of someone else's family life is not a good idea.

Today we spoke over the phone, and she told me how her husband slapped their son in the face over trying to teach him use his right hand for writing - the boy prefers his left hand (quite outrageous idea, but this was probably how he was raised himself), and how she had a problem with her ear after he hit her. She also mentioned that her husband actually told her in the heat of a fight that he would kill her. I became really concerned, urged her to assess the situation and consider turning to authorities. She told me that she let her husband know that if he hits her one more time she would call 911. I tried to convince her to actually do it should it happen; I also told her she can call me any time day or night, and that I will be able to pick her with the kids and let them all stay at our place. We then talked more and agreed to talk again or see each other at church soon; she didn't sound like she was in immediate danger or panicking - rather like this was painful but stable course of her life.

Please tell me what do you think I should do. Sorry for such a long letter, I greatly appreciate your time. Thank you so much!

Answer
Dear Katherine,
Watching someone in an abusive relationship is always difficult.  You wonder why they stay, why they put up with the abuse, etc.  It's very complicated and there are a lot of mind games that get played between victim and abuser.  You are right to be concerned, but also right that there isn't much you can do.

However, with that said, in this country there are laws against child abuse and what you have described is child abuse.  You could actually call the authorities regarding the father hitting this girl and causing physical damage.  However, in doing that, you might cause more problems for your friend and her daughter because some abusers might take out their anger at being turned in on the victims.  However, if this is happening consistently, someone needs to be the hero for this child if the mother doesn't have the inner strength to do that.  Although there are laws against assault and battery, most courts believe that adults have the ability to choose, where children do not.  That is why child abuse is looked at more than domestic violence.

Your friend has some good points and there are some women who are willing to stay and take the abuse while they are making plans to leave.  She is really at a disadvantage without a driver's license or an education in this country so give her the benefit of the doubt.  She knows the situation, what she can do and what she can't.  She does need a good friend though.  Most abusers isolate their victims and do just what you've described...make it difficult for them to become independent, crush their self esteem so they believe they are helpless, threaten them and rule through intimidation.  It sounds like he might be bi-polar and medication will work effectively, however with that diagnosis, patients are notorious for not taking their meds.  

The thing that your friend needs to understand is that SHE can be held responsible for not protecting her children.  The children can be taken away if the authorities do not see where either parent is protecting them.  If she does not take action, eventually someone will turn them in.  School authorities, doctors, counselors etc are called mandatory reporters..which means they are under legal obligation to report child abuse when they become aware of it; they don't have a choice.  

The other viewpoint is whether her spiritual beliefs allow her to consider divorce.  Depending upon which denomination she is a part of, she may have difficulty justifying her decision to leave with her spiritual authorities or friends in her church.  I don't agree that a woman has to stay in a relationship when she is being abused, but that is not the case across the board.  If you want to give her some information about that, go to my website www.livingwellcc.com and click on the resources page.  Under the heading of divorce there are two articles.  Both of them would be good for her to have.

Even though she takes no action, she does need a friend like you to talk to.  Otherwise there will be no one and women need other women to process with.  We process verbally so just let her talk.  She may not need you to solve her problems, but she does need an ear to listen.  When she is ready, you can help her develop a plan.  A concrete plan is very helpful.  Often we don't get concrete information, we just think we know what we are going to do and that isn't very secure.  Help her to find the information she needs, people or organizations who will help her etc.  If you have a local women's center or domestic violence organization, they usually have abuse counselors and court advocates who can be immensely helpful for little to no cost.

I hope this has helped.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again, or have your friend contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss