Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/2/2009

Question
Me and my partner have been together for nearly three years now. At first it was great and he accepted me for who I was, but after about 6 months things started to change.
It started with him telling me that he didn't like my friends, then he said that he didn't want me going out anymore.Im not even allowed to talk to other guys without him falling out with me. I am only 21 and going out to the pub with my friends was something that I enjoyed doing at the weekend. It was my way of winding down from a week at work.
Then he talked me into moving 600 miles away from my home, I agreed because he didn't liked where we were living and he said if I didn't want to go then we would be over.
Its been over a year since we left, and I am so lonely here, I miss all my friends and family and if I say to him that I would like to go back home for a holiday he tells me not to bother coming back. We argue all the time and I feel that no matter what I do for him, it's still not enough. I have gone from being a very happy outgoing person to crying most days and not wanting to leave the house. He knows a lot of personal things about me, and things that happened to me as a child, and when we argue he likes to remind me of everthing and all I can do is break down and cry. I have said that I will leave and he says that if I do he will tell all of my family what happened to me when I was younger. (Only a few of them know and I have never had any help with dealing with what happened to me)
I just don't know what to do anymore, I love him no matter what he says to me, but I have no confidence or anything and I hate myself. He has never hit me but at times I wish he would so that maybe it would make me leave without giving him a second thought.
I did leave once, but I missed him so much and felt like I didn't want to be without him, so I came back. We both promised to try and make things work but that didn't last long. I am wondering if I should just pack and go back home or if this situation will or can change. I have mentioned counselling for us both but he says that it is me who needs it, not him.

Answer
Dear Kathryn,
It is very difficult to be in these kinds of relationships.  Whether he is hitting you or not, this is abuse.  The most classic signs of abuse are isolation, control and being demeaning the victim.  The abuser isolates you so you have no support system and have to be dependent on them for your social and emotional needs.  

This is really a self esteem/identity issue as well as a deep desire to be loved.  When women have such a deep need to be loved, they will accept love or anything that feels like it from whatever source that offers it.  Many times those sources are unhealthy and cause a lot of pain.  

You asked if anything could change.  Your partner believes it is your problem and not his...with that attitude, there is no hope for change.  These issues of control, jealousy and manipulation are his alone.  No matter how much you change, you will not be able to solve a problem that originates with him.  He needs counseling and the motivation to change and heal in order to improve HIS OWN life, not to pacify you, manipulate you or anything else.  The cycle of abuse starts with tension building and that results in an explosive event usually  (emotionally, verbally, physically).  Once the event has happened, the abuser will usually apologize and swear it will never happen again.  Then there is a time of peace, a honeymoon period, which gets shorter with each cycle.  Without professional intervention this cycle gets more destructive and more abusive with each time it happens.  

Knowing who you are and being comfortable with yourself goes a long way to not letting others (boyfriends, men, friends etc) define who you are.  When you are with him, he may lend a feeling of worth to you on some level and that may be what you are looking for in a relationship.  There is not a problem in giving someone a second chance, however when you do, they must have demonstrated concretely that they have changed, as evidenced by enlisting help with their problem, being able to identify deeply with the pain they have caused those around them and being willing to go above and beyond the call to restore trust.  If someone does these things, then you know there has been a heart change and therefore a behavior change.  It does not sound like your boyfriend has done any of these things.

Matters of the heart are difficult to negotiate, but if you understand that character issues run deep and often need outside help to change, you will know that you can't just accept someone's word that they will never "do it again" unless you see those words backed up by action.  Even at that, you don't have to submit to re-entry into the relationship until you actually are assured the person has changed...in other words, you don't have to hang around and be hurt while they try to heal.

My best advice to you would be to find a counselor who is a good fit for you and work with them on the issues that keep you hanging on to a relationship that is destructive hurtful.  You want someone in your life who will love and honor you, who wants to be with you and has made the decision that you are valuable and worth treating with respect and truly loving actions.  This guy hasn't made that decision and he may have other issues going on that would interfere with healthy relationships as well.  You know in your head what you need to do, but there are beliefs in the heart that contradict that wisdom.  Those are the issues a counselor can help you with.

I truly wish you well as you make these decisions.  Truth will set you free and once you realize how valuable you are and resolve not to be treated with anything less than respect and honor, you will have no trouble letting go of this guy.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com