Expert: Azure - 4/14/2009

Question
Follow up to my earlier question--my mother who has battled depression, abandonment issues, etc. for years has been causing a rift in the relationship between me and my girlfriend of 2 years. I try to be sensitive to my mother's issues and tiptoe around them but yet I'm still always accused of being "insensitive" and a "Bad son" no matter what I do. For instance this past weekend, I had planned a whole day around my mother so she could hang out with me, my girl, and her parents too on the holiday weekend and it was all really nice--UNTIL my mom found out I was visiting my dad the following day (who she hates and resents) then I was bombarded with hateful voicemails, phone calls, and name-calling all in front of my gf and her parents.

Not surprisingly, my girlfriend is fed up and wants out unless I cut my mom loose, but it's very hard for me to do that knowing how depressed and alone my mom is and knowing that her behavior is a result of deep seated emotional pain and abandonment issues? Yet I'm worried my life is going to be screwed up by the way she acts--she's constantly deriding my relationship and alludes to the fact that the only reason I'm in one is because "I need to have a relationship" not possibly because I might be in love!

I'm looking into therapy with my mom but I fear it may be too late or too little--I feel like it's too extreme for my girlfriend to ask me to give up on my own mother, but I understand her frustration....any advice would be appreciated

Answer
3 things need to happen--a) the counseling, b) the gf needs to know she's out of line to expect a child to disown a mother, c) separate these 2 parts of your life as much as possible; keep the mom away from the gf, don't discuss the mom with the gf, and vice versa..