Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/26/2009

Question
I am a young lady that is dating a man twice my size. We went away for the weekend and were having a great time, then a little disagreement happened and he lost it. We have been dating for over a year. Up until then, he was sweet and loving , and protecting. I know that he suffered abuse. And I too have suffered abuse as a child and in a relationship. I vowed to never be in an abusive relationship again. I love this man, but will not tolerate abuse. He asked me what he needed to do. I told him go to therapy. He said that he would because he knows that he needs to fix his anger. Can we heal? What is the percentage that he may do it again?

Answer
Sheba,

Interesting that you who suffered abuse as a child, and vowed never to subject yourself to an abusive relationship, have chosen to have a relationship with a man who also was abused, and who, completely 'lost it' with you.

People do not change their responses unless they are intensely motivated to do so.  Look at what triggered off the response from the man.  Is it likely that such situations could present themselves again?  And if they do, what would prevent him from 'losing it' again?

You may love this man, but given the combination -- you, from an abusive past, in a relationship with one who could be triggered off to let loose a torrent of  abusive behavior -- you might be better served by affirming your respect and honor for your self.

You excuse what you said you would not tolerate, once, then, just one more time; and soon you could accommodate yourself in the environment of this man's emotional outburst.  And you would be living the life you vowed never to live.

Sheba, sometimes it pays to put what we call 'love', on hold, when danger lurks in love, so-called.  Yes, the gentleman might be nice, but he brings with him baggage only he could sort out; and his sorting out his baggage should have nothing to do with having a relationship with you.

You do yourself a disservice to make the kind of bargaining I am sensing you are involved in -- he goes to therapy, and you would stay in the relationship.  You do not know if the therapy would work, or how many sessions down the road, you could be assured that you would be related to honorably.  You do not even know if the gentleman would want to stay in therapy.

If he has a problem he could attend to it, and then be free to choose, or not choose, to have a relationship with you.

What is released, comes back again to you, if it is for you; and if it does not come back, then perhaps you should move on.

Blessings.

Dr. ES