Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/7/2009

Question
Hi! I'm desperate for answers and help! I've been in an abusive marriage for 10 years. There isn't any physical abuse, only verbal. My husband is very controlling and suffers from delusional jealousy. He has never been diagnosed with this disorder, but has many false beliefs about me and will accuse me of doing things that im not doing. If someone he knows is having problems in their marriage due to someone being unfaithful, he will accuse me of being that same way. He micromanages EVERYTHING I do, right down to the clothes I wear and the music that I listen to. He will even try and pick my friends! He will sabotage me until im broke down to nothing. I've been taking anti-depression pills for 4 years and have recently gotten off the pills due to weight gain. He is now insecure about my weight loss and is making comments to me about that. I know that as long as I am married to him I will have to be medicated. I don't want to take the pills anymore....but cant deal with him any other way!
I want to leave him, but I have two children. I have not worked in 10 years (due to his controlling me) and have no means for an income. He recently traded in my car for a more expensive car and now I cant afford to make the payments on this car if I did leave him. He has also told me that I cant take the car anyway because it is "his" car (even though he ownes a truck and bike) I'm scared to leave because im scared that he will report the car stolen if I take it and he will call the police if I take the kids and say that I have kidnapped them. He told me not long ago that it was against the law for me to take our kids out of the state without his consent.
What are my rights? What can I do to get out of this marriage with out traumatizing my kids? They are the most important thing to me. I have family in Texas, but the hard part is getting there.
Please help!

Answer
Dear Robbin,
I applaud you for reaching out for information.  What you really need is legal information, which I am not able to provide.  My best advice is to talk with a divorce attorney to find out what your rights are and then contact your local women's center or domestic violence organization.  They provide abuse counseling and usually have advocates who can discuss your options and accompany you through the legal processes.  

You are right, you can't live this way but if you talk to the people who can give you correct information, you will feel more empowered and able to make good, informed choices.  Part of feeling powerless is not having information to make your own decisions with.  Don't let him feed you all you know...get the information on your own.

Once you get the information you need, you will need to make a plan.  This is a free country and you can take your kids anywhere you want to.  If you live in a community property state, half of the property in the marriage belongs to you so you have a right to a vehicle.  When you leave you will want to take birth certificates, extra money, any legal documents that you may need and then once you get to Texas,in my opinion, you can file for divorce.  I would check with attorneys in both states to see which state would give you more leverage and rights.  Call the police and find out if there is any truth to his threats...they will tell you if he can report a kidnapping or report a stolen vehicle.  

I would say that your kids are probably pretty traumatized already, just living in such a controlling environment so would it be any more traumatizing to get out of the situation?  If your family will help you, start putting a support network together.  Part of the abuse is isolation to create a feeling of powerlessness so you have to take it upon yourself to create a support network and family is a good place to start.  

I truly wish you well and hope that this all works out for you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com

I wish you well and want to encourage you that your instincts are correct.