Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/15/2009

Question
To start off I was in an abusive relationship with an guy that was younger than me.  I an 32 and he is 26.  When we started off everything was wonderful.  He was gentle,kind, and he did things around the house for me when I left even if it was just to go to my father's house.  Then about 2 months into the relationship he just flipped.  He had moved all his things into my apartment and everything.  So one night I was really tired and he was in the bedroom playing a video game and i didn't feel like hearing it going on I wanted to go to sleep.  So I decided to go to sleep downstairs.  What did I do that for.  He gets up and keeps me up all night talking about who you got coming over here? I said No one.  He then said call him and tell him to come on over I'll make breakfast and everything then i am going shoot him in the face..The thing is we spend 99% of the time with each other when do I have the chance to cheat. Then when nothing happened he go threaten to burn my apartment down.  Then he go tell me I better call somebody cause he about to kill everybody in this apartment complex. I really didn't give him any big reaction I was scared but I didn't cry.  After he said that then he goes into the kitchen turns on all of the burners and sits i front of them.  Saying I want to die.I go in there and turn them off. he then gets up and leaves the house.  That is when I called the cops and said I want him escorted out of my apartment.  I locked my door and didn't let him back in until they arrived. while I waited he knocks on all my neighbors door saying that I was crazy because I had his medicine locked up in the house... Me crazy? but that is  just one of the incident. He put a gun to my head, he back slapped me inside a car because I wanted to leave a party that he left me at for almost three hours alone. It gave me a black eye and a swollen cheek.  I forgave him for that.  then the last straw was when he threatened my whole family because I had started to go to church.  When I got home it was pure hell.  He won't do anything in front of my kids.  He waited till that night after I put them to sleep then the arguing began. He goes all the way back when we started dating I had condoms in my medicine cabinet he found them( they were old from a former boyfriend) the threatened to burn my Easter dress, then threatened to burn me with a hot frying pan,poked me in the leg several times with a sharp knife, then slapped me and put the knife to my throat. I did everything in my power to keep him calm. I finally got him calm he go start crying...then he go hold me and try to turn me on I never felt so dirty in his arms than that moment. we went to bed I didn't sleep a wink that night then when he left I went a pressed charges against him.  After that he came back to my house late that night after texting my phone calling me back to back.  knocking on my door when I didn't let him in he went to his car to get his gun but by then the cops had arrived and arrested him.  I was having a panic attack out this world I was about to faint I was so scared.  It has been 2 months since we broke up he still drives by my house all the time. Why do I still love him? and miss him after all he put me through?


Answer
Dear Tina,
Thank you for trusting me with your story.  I am so sorry to hear how much violence you have been through, but I am very glad to see that you did the right thing by calling the police.  There is something very wrong with this person and he is not safe for you or any woman to be around.

Your question about why you still love him and miss him is a question that all abused women ask.  The easy answer is that you are in some denial and when you get to feeling like you miss him, you are not thinking about the abuse....kind of like selective memory.  The hard answer has to do with your own issues of self esteem and lack of value.  Everyone has this to a certain extent, but when women allow themselves to be abused, it speaks to a fundamental belief that you don't deserve better....that what feels like love is more important than the pain you have to go through to get it.  You may have abuse in your background, I don't know.

Abusive men aren't all bad.  If they were, they wouldn't be able to get women to be attracted to them.  There is a side to them that is charming and manipulative....it's like a trap that gets set and when you fall for the bait, you keep going back...hoping to find the bait again.  It is not in our nature to believe that someone is using us or deceiving us, especially when we believe they love us... so we ignore the warning signs and then have to stay in a form of denial to be able to stay when the relationship turns abusive.  

You aren't without feeling and there is a part of him that you experienced some good from and you want that part back.  The reality of it is, that part you want is the bait and in order to have that small part of him, there a much larger part that is dangerous and abusive.  At this point, it isn't about love...it is about honor, respect and safety.  Love doesn't hurt.  I would strongly encourage you to contact your local women's center or domestic violence organization and invest in some abuse counseling.  These organizations usually have counseling resources and court advocacy at little to no cost and it would serve you well to invest in yourself this way.

I hope this helps you understand.  Abusive relationships are complicated, but I assure you, you have made the right decision.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com