Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/3/2009

Question
My question is a rather painful one. I have a daughter who is single, who has a son. She's 28, a smart young lady, very self supporting and someone I am proud of, however....She has deep control issues. This pattern has cost her plenty over the years but refuses to see them or address them. I was a huge part of my grandson's life while she was going to school to get her degree in nursing. I took care of him while she attended school and work. He is a pure joy. Since getting her degree and now working full time as a RN, she refuses to let me see my grandson. She gets upset about little things and instead of coping with them, she uses her son and a lever to hurt her family. I have not seen my grandson in close to a year. Each attempt is shot down. I am not the only one in the family she reacts to this way. If you cross her, she controls everyone by refusing to allow contact with her son. I have told her she is only hurting him, however, she replies, "she's the mother and she makes the decisions." In the last four months I have tried to spend time with my grandson many times and she's refuses. She reacts the same way with the rest of the family too. I'm worried about my grandson's mental health. It must be hard on him being 8 and losing contact with his family. We all have tried to talk to her about this and she gets upset and hangs up or shuts the door. She reacts the same way with his father. However, he is sadly losing interest in doing battle with her and has moved on. He has his own issues and chooses not to fight her anymore in court or out. This young man is being slowly cut out of everyones life. I agree she is the mother and can make decisions, but she is only hurting her son. Any suggestions please?

Answer
Dear Valerie,
This must be very difficult for you and the rest of your family.  It is clear that you have strong feelings for your grandson, and I do agree that when relationships with grandparents are healthy ones, grandparents add a wonderful dimension to a child's life.  It is sad that this is happening.

Most control issues come from a place of great fear.  There are usually significant issues of woundedness that cause people to try to control their world like you describe.  Unfortunately, there are not too many ways around her decisions because, as you said, she is the mother.  

One way in is to appeal to the courts and try to win visitation rights as a grandparent.  Although you might gain your rights, most likely your relationship with your daughter would suffer.  However, there could be a possibility that you could ask for arbitration or family counseling as a means to work this out and that could be an asset.  This is not my area of expertise so I would direct you to a family law attorney for more information.

From a psychological point of view, I might suggest evaluating your relationship with her and trying to find any areas where she may feel controlled or has felt controlled.  The idea is to create a safe place where she doesn't have to resort to those controlling behaviors.  As I said before, control comes from fear, but it also comes from a lack of trust.  Has she been hurt by the family? Does she feel controlled by you or others in the family? Does she have reasons not to trust you?  When I say that, please understand that her reasons don't necessarily have to be valid.  Does she have perceptions of problems with you that would cause her not to trust?  Have you asked her what her reasons are for not allowing you to see your grandson?  She must have some reasons that she can articulate.  If she does, that is a place to start.  If her reasons are valid, acknowledge them and own any part of them that you can.  These are ways to build a path back into her life and with that, your grandson.

Unfortunately, when someone is controlling like that, there is little that you can do unless they are breaking the law or abusing the child.  It is a difficult situation and always a slippery slope when dealing with someone else's fear.  There are always other reasons for people to behave like this, but the ones I have indicated here are the most common.  

I wish you well and I hope this all works out for you both.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
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