Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/16/2009

Question
I have been in a previous domestic violence situation, that included both physical and emotional/verbal abuse. I moved on and met my husband, to whom I have been married for almost 2 years now. My issue is that when my husband is angry/stressed, he starts a fight with me.  Not only does he start fighting with me, he puts me down. He says very hurtful things. Then, he usually tells me that he wants a divorce. After I sit in my office, crying and trying to imagine moving on, he says that he wants to talk about it.  Then, he tries to take back everything he just said.  He tells me that he wants to be with me and always has. This frequency and severity of "fighting" is something fairly new, but it has always been there at some level. The thing that bothers me is that after this wretched, heart breaking fight, he goes back to being sweet. It is to a point that I don't know what to believe anymore: the things he says when he is angry, or the things he says after the fight is over and all is said and done.  I don't think that he realizes the impact of what he says. It's sad that I still have to ask this question after having figured out enough to leave once before, but is this considered emotional/verbal abuse? He NEVER hits me.

Answer
Dear Lisa,
If you will go to my website www.livingwellcc.com and click on "library", under the abuse category is an article called "Cycle of Domestic Violence".  Take a look at it and you will see that what you are describing fits the pattern quite well.  

Emotional abuse is the hardest type of abuse to prove, even to yourself, however it might help to look at your situation in a different way.  Healthy relationships grow and provide an atmosphere where the people in them can grow and mature. They are life giving.  Abusive relationships don't allow the people in them to grow and they bring emotional and sometimes even physical death to those involved.  Once you look at it this way and take a look at the article I mentioned, I think you will be able to decide for yourself.

Whether he hits you or not is not the issue.  If you are unable to grow and become a better person in this relationship, then it is unhealthy and should be changed.  If you and your husband would consider counseling, that might help change things.  However, if he does not want to go to counseling, I would strongly encourage you to find an abuse counselor and invest in yourself.  Your local women's center or domestic violence organization can assist you, usually at little to no cost.  

The kind of coping mechanism that your husband has chosen to use to resolve conflict is unhealthy and needs some intervention.  You can choose what that intervention needs to be.

I wish you well Lisa and encourage you to make some healthy decisions here.  Life is too short to spend it with someone who abuses you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss