Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/12/2009

Question
Me and my bf have been together for over 2 years, its a long-distance relationship. We both are 18 years old. The start was cold but after 3-4 months we both got serious with each other, he used to be the BEST lover i have ever seen. He'd be there whenever I cried, he'd comfort me, send me ecards, emails, sweet msgs, text me that he misses me out of nowhere, he used to called me 4-5 times everyday. He would go crazy if i was ever mad at him, he even slitted his arm for me once when i wasnt believing he loved me. He used to love a girl older than him before me, but when he got me, he stopped loving her. He cut all contacts with her for me over a year ago. He proved he loved me in every way, he went crazy when i left him for a few days, he sent me mad emails, ecards, and begged me to take him back and that he would die without me. He told his family about me and i told my family because he wanted to marry me. I accept my fault that i argued alot with him in the past and he got fed up with me, but eventually i stopped. I only argued because i knew he'd never leave me, but i was wrong. After October 2008, he just TOTALLY changed! I cant believe what he has become, he would laugh when I cry (sarcastically), he told me on my face that he doesnt care, etc etc. and Finally in december, he told me he wants a break from me, I ended up agreeing with him. But the very next day he emailed me saying, he was just stressed and upset how i argued over littlest thing with him he still loves me and wants to get back. I didnt take him back because i wanted him to realize that im also a human being and it hurts, he made me cry constantly. He promised he'd never leave me or make me cry again, we got back. But after that, I dont know how to say, He has just turned into a freaky jerk. He tells me he hates me, he gets mad if i ask ''are you busy?'', he curse at me, he is always in a bad mood when i talk to him otherwise he is happy. He even left me back and fourth in past 2 weeks but i love him alot i cant live without him, he only comes to me when he wants to see me shirtless, otherwise he doesnt talk to me, all he says is ''ok'' or ''good''. He hasnt called me in 3 months, and when i call him, he ignore my calls and answer when he is in a mood. I really dont wanna let go because i love him alot, spent a great amount of time with him, I want him to change and be nice to me. My friends tell me to leave him for a timebeing so he realizes that he wronged me dearly, but I dont know...I just love him alot...we just talked and he abused me just because i didnt understand what he said, he said im stupid and he cant stand me, he is getting sick of me. just because of not understanding a question? he has become the biggest hypocrite ever! he is becoming worse and worse day by day...what should I do? I dont want to leave him, is there anything that can change him or atleast improve his behaviour? please guys I need help!

Answer
Jiya,

Sorry about the delay in responding to you.  I will get back to you within a day.

ES

Jiya, you may not want to hear this, and perhaps you won't want to communicate with me after this, but what I am about to say to you is for your good (of course, young adults hellbent on the path to self-destruction often don't like to hear this -- it is what parents, stressed out over their children's conduct, say at a time children are repudiating the lessons experience has taught their parents)but the truth is, Jiya (and I took my time and read your letter), though your boyfriend, definitely is besotted with personal, and evidently emotional problems, he is NOT your problem.

Your boyfriend was born to his mother, as you were born to your mother.  After years of support (emotionally inadequate, evidently, for you and for your boyfriend--reading into the descriptions you sent me)from his nurturing environment, he met you.  You did not just sprout those feelings of dependency evident from your letter.  If you had a nurturing family, their influence should be evident somewhere in between your fights with your boyfriend; but it seems as though you totally relied on him for emotional support.  The texting, the emailing, the calling -- what time did that leave for his relationship with his home environment; what time did it leave for him to be pursuing whatever it is he is about at the age of sixteen to eighteen -- school work?  What time did it leave for you to spend with Jiya, and Jiya's family.  Family is important.  It gives you a role model for establishing your own home.  It nurtures you so you could stand on your own feet once on your own.

This total enfolding into each other's life, is not sustainable.  Eventually something inside either of you would rebel; because this kind of overtaking of each other's time with total involvement, becomes unbearable, and what seemed like love turns sour and dysfunctional.

You can never possess a person.  What often is taken as love of another, is often the sweetness, of feeling appreciated.  It is about self feeling appreciated.  And if anything happens in the mind of the other person to prevent them from giving you those feelings, then you become upset.  

Love, Jiya, is kind.  It is not demanding.  It is patient.  It cares about how the other person feels and about what they are going through.  It is not only about self.  Love does not hurt, not self, nor the other person.  The person who cuts, or in any other way, wounds self to prove love is being foolish, very foolish.  Love does not do that.  Love is consistent, not fickle; and it is principled.  The person might not like what you do but they love you.

Your crying is coming from self pity; and this is understandable.  You are still a child.  Your crying could be the child in you crying for the care of your parents.  But the young man is not your parent.  He himself could be needing that support that comes from caring parents.

What is happening between you and your parents?  There is evidently unfinished work there.  The emotional load you are throwing on this young man, who is himself, just emerging from childhood, given the quality of interaction you are reporting, is not his to bear.  I suggest you stop throwing the weight of your emotional needs onto him.  Leave him alone.  Let him be free of your demands and criticisms, to find himself.  Can you get therapy?  You need help to sort out what is at the root of your problems why you would be throwing yourself at another young mind, who himself needs space to find out what his life is about, and the freedom to walk away from a relationship with you, if this is not what his life needs at this time.

And let me say, that when a person walks away from us it does not mean that they are rejecting us.  It is not always about us.  Most of the time, it is not about us, but about the person's own need to move ahead and do what is best for him or her.  If in a relationship with me a person feels too much strain, too much pain, regardless of how much we say we love each other, I must love that person enough to want them happy;  I must love me enough to go after my own happiness.  So, I let go.  I make no demands of the other person.  Would it hurt to let go?  Yes.  Is that any reason why I should not let go?  No.  I make decisions that are best for me now and in the future.  And if I let go of the other person but they do not want to move on, I move on; for ultimately I am NOT responsible for that other person's life; I am responsible for me.

Our challenge in relationships is not to get another to love us; our challenge is to learn to love our self; and reading would help you understand and appreciate this. Look up on the Internet, the term, codependency, and read all you can about it.  See if you understand what is happening with you.  

And if possible, spend more time with your parents.  Cooperate with them.  Help around the house, or in any way that could help them feel visible and important to you.  If you are in college, focus, and excel at your work, while looking around to see how you could be helpful to some other person, without getting so involved in their life that they won't feel to do what they want lest it bothers you.

Sometimes our dysfunctional behavior is caused by chemical imbalance in our body, so it is always a good idea to go to your doctor and have a checkout.  Tell the health personnel about the kind of distressing reactions you have been having to your relationships. What they say to you could be very helpful.

Blessings.

Dr. ES