Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/12/2009

Question
Hi! Im a 25 year old female and have been in a serious relationship on and off for a little over 4 years. Given our age I have watched him grow up and have been there through it all. He use to have a drinking problem, but after his 2nd dui has since started his own business and hardly ever drinks! Which is good, but in other aspects of our relationship he has done somethings that has ruined my trust for him. And I know its in the past and I would probably be over it, but I just feel like he keeps doing stupid things. At our year and a half mark he took a picture up one of his coworkers skirts and sent her a vulgar text at 3am. I found the text and he lied up until I found out the truth then he admitted to taking a picture. It took a while to get past that because he lied. About 2 and a half years in he was drunk one night at the bar I was working at and I didnt want him driving home and he got really mad and yelled at me in front the customers and left anyways. I called him when I got off around 3am and he said some pretty mean things to me like "Fuck you" or "your fucking up my life" and he hung up and I turned my phone off, because that hurt! I finally picked it up the next day and asked for an appology and he said sorry, but I wanted one to my face because I think thats what I deserved. He got mad and said he wasn't driving to my house and he can't do this right now and he will call me later and hung up on me.  I didn't hear from him for a week and a half and found out he slept with some girl the day he said he would call me back and hung out with her that week. And we are use to seeing each other everyday so it was a big deal to not even talk. Its been 4 years and some change now and I have forgiven him for those things I just feel like something hasn't completely been the same. I went to go pick him up the other day and he works with this girl that I'm friends with through work and we were all sitting there and he told her that him and a friend were trying to find naked pictures of her online which made me feel bad, but he said I shouldn't be mad over something as small as that. To me it was a big deal. It would be different if it were a celebrity, but its his coworker! Anyways, Im just really lost! I tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to hear it.  He said that he has let it go and I should to! I just wanted to talk to him about it, but all he does is yell and cuss EVERYtime he gets mad! A part of me feels like I'm going against my morals by staying with him, but its so hard and I've seen him come so far with is life. He doesn't have a license so I drive him everywhere! I just don't know what to do anymore! I love him, but its just getting to the point where I can't live like this for 30 more years!He can be very sweet sometimes! He's funny and like to cuddle when he does end up coming to bed, but also spends most of his time on his phone or laptop. Whether we are out eating or anything he is always on his phone! Sometimes a part of me wishes I never got back with him after he slept with that girl. Only because I use to be so strong about never taking someone back after that! I knew what I wanted and didn't settle, but with him it seems that I've put up with alot of things that I shouldn't have to! Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry its so long.

Answer
Dear Kat,
It sounds as though you are pretty confused about what to do and a little upset with yourself for not being true to your values and convictions.  It happens, but the good news is that you can get back to what your values are by re-establishing those boundaries that are important to you.

Although I realize that what you are describing has a lot to do with character and socialization, it also sounds as though your friend may have some habits that could lead to problems or maybe already are problems.  

The first thing I see from what you are telling me is a basic lack of respect for women and at the very least, a lot of insensitivity and that is a red flag.   Taking pictures like that, looking at nude women on the internet are the beginning signs of sexual addiction and if he is spending the time on his computer looking at pornography, this guy has a serious problem that you don't want anything to do with.  The picture taking is a problem because it is a personal boundary that he didn't respect.  Looking at pornography, on its face may seem innocent, but it really speaks to a deeper problem where men do not see women as people who have feelings and personalities.  The term to use for this is objectification and it means that they see women as objects rather than thinking, feeling human beings.  If you believe a woman is an object, a picture on a page, then you don't have to respect her or consider that she has opinions or feelings that can get hurt.  To tell his coworker that he was looking for nude pictures of her on the internet is insensitive and very disrespectful; another red flag.

If someone loves you, they will treat you with honor and honor is something that we are losing in our society today.  If you don't require men to treat you well, you will end up with men who don't and that carries with it a lot of hurt.  You are the defender of who you are as a person and how you let people treat you.  An intimate relationship should carry with it honor and respect as well as love.  If the person you are with doesn't care enough to treat you that way, or to learn to treat you that way by seeing a counselor, getting some mentoring from a person who does know how to treat women, then you should cut him loose.  You can't be his motivation...he has to want to change if there is going to be any change and if he is dealing with what it looks as though he may be dealing with, he needs professional help and it will be a long road to recovery.  He will battle a sexual addiction all his life and will always need to be in control of it.

I'm glad that he has improved in his life, but that does not mean that you have to be mistreated.  You are worth more than to let yourself be subjected to such a low standard of respect.  You're right, you will not be able to live like this for 30 years without losing your self respect, becoming bitter and angry as well as surrendering who you are to the altar of how he wants to live his life.

If you need counseling support, check with your local women's center and invest in some abuse counseling.  They have resources that will be very beneficial for you there.  I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com