Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/11/2009

Question
Help! I need to know.... Should I leave my boyfriend?
Long story. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. When we first dated, I had just left an abusive relationship and eventually had to place a restraining order against my ex. I truly should have taken the time to heal. As much as I love my boyfriend, I should have not jumped into a relationship with him so quickly. I took out a lot of my unresolved issues on him. Although I was not physically abusive, I was most definitely verbally and emotionally abusive. I had become a carbon copy of my ex. Regardless, my current boyfriend loved me more than anybody should have at that time. He was determined to make me better.

Despite all of the bad that he was constantly made to feel, he moved in with me because he loved me. I was blind to a lot of my actions at the time and I truly thought we had a great relationship. He went out of his way to make me happy. I had no idea how much work he had to put into our relationship. He was the most admirable, loving, well-intentioned person to ever come into my life. At the end of the last summer, he broke up with me, suddenly without explanation, and moved out. I was devastated. My best friend moved in with me because I could not pull myself out of my bed. Despite the way I had treated him, he meant the world to me. His family rightfully told him never to go back to me again, unfortunately, creating a sticky mess for him to face in the future. They threatened to take him out of school and not pay his tuition if he were ever to contact me again.

Each one of us had shown up at each others doors numerous times. I had never experienced such a serious feeling of grief and regret as I did when he explained to me how I had made him feel in the past. I could never do anything like I had done to him again. I felt my abusive ex, who was responsible for my feelings I had, again ruined another great aspect of my life.

My current boyfriend and I wound up sleeping together and eventually getting back together. He was definitely not ready to have me in his life again. Although he did not do anything, he did talk flirtatiously with a girl on aim as some weird form of revenge within the first week we were back together. This happened a long time ago, and in all honesty, I'm over it. He had originally hid me from his family and coworkers. He told me that he was too embarrassed to let his coworkers know that we were together. At the time, I felt I deserved this. His family officially found out about us around Christmas. Although they cornered him into lying to protect his tuition, now they don't trust him. They officially stopped paying his tuition in January. I think that this is an unfair punishment for making a decision for himself. He can be with who he wants to be with. Obviously, if I were the way I used to be, he would have been having noticeable problems and would not have been able to keep it from his family. He was fine all along.

He loves me very much, deep down inside his heart somewhere.

However, over time, especially recently, he has turned into an exact copy of the bitter abused/abuser I used to be. He attacks me verbally and he goes out of his way to fight. He has never put a hand on me, however, he is always demanding that I change more and more things about myself, to the point where I don't recognize me anymore. He expects so much of me but will not do the same actions that he asks from me. He tells me that he knows how terrible he's become, but I just have to get used to it because that is how it is going to be. I've asked him to get help but he refuses to do so. He tells me that if I leave him, I will be a terrible person because of all of the stress he is going through. It would be a terrible thing for me to abandon him.

We fight pretty much everyday. I'm not allowed to ask him questions about what he has been doing throughout the day, however, if I do not tell him about my day, I will be yelled at. He ignores my calls and is short with me on the phone. He's especially mean to me in front of his roommates. He expects to be all over my aim profile, when he won't put me in his and I am never allowed to go out with my friends.
In the past, he's run up about $3,000 on my credit cards and is unapologetic, saying that he earned that money because he had to put up with me. His family will never pay me back because they say any money that I spent, I spent because I wanted to.

His moods are so drastic. One moment he's happy and loving, so sweet and huggable. The next, he's angry to a scary level, upset, and depressed. He has recently changed career courses because the level of work required for his major was far too much. His grades dropped because he was forced to work for his tuition because he lied to his parents about me, but his parents are still putting an insurmountable amount of pressure on him to do well. They consistently compare him to his older sister who excelled in the very same program he just switched out of. He acknowledges one minute that I am all he has and that I am always there for him, regardless of his treatment. He says, "I know I'm an asshole to you." The next minute, I'm the one he needs to cut out to solve all of his problems.

It's hard to know exactly how he feels. He tells me he loves me one minute, but the next minute, he tells me that he doesn't know. When I asked him to explain to his best ability what exactly he is feeling, he told me that he can't guarantee anything because his feelings and thoughts change with life circumstances. He makes me cry over something stupid everyday.

His family and I will never get along because of the past, understandably, and I am determined to see them the bare minimum. However his family did harass me during the time of the break up and I did have to change my number so that they could not contact me anymore. They kept track of his phone calls. When they saw my new number on my boyfriend's phone bill which they opened without permission, they called that too, and again, I had to change my number.

What prompted me to write this is the fact that my boyfriend has just told me that he would like to go to Japan and teach English when he's finished college in two years. He told me that he's like to do it alone. I know that this is his dream and I support him. I don't want to go to Japan. It's not my dream. In fact, I will be enrolled in medical school this coming fall, so I can not even consider going with him.

I do not want him to look back on his life and have regrets. However, I asked him if he would commit before he went, he said he would not. He said that if he proposed, it would be because it was right, not because he was going away. I agree with him, however, he wants me to stay in America and wait for him. With all that is going on, he expects me to be back here waiting for him.

My father has told me that I need someone on my level.

These types of decisions are so very hard when you love someone.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate any thoughts.

Answer
Cherilyn,

Why all these complex issues with your relationship with another student?   Maybe it is because you are not giving yourself a chance to enjoy adolescence.  You are not a hardship case needing to live with a man for economic survival.  I am wondering why isn't Cherilyn enjoying having a boyfriend, but focusing more on her academics, and allowing the young man to focus on his academics.

With the kind of intensity of relationships you describe where would be the chance for building a normal, relaxed home when you are through with university or college?  Too intense, these relationships.  Much too intense for single, unmarried students.

I suggest you listen to your father.  But in addition I recommend you give yourself a break.  You did not heal from your first breakup.  It is not too late. Go and get some therapy.

You do not love the young man you are talking about.  You cannot, not until you learn to love yourself.  And from what you say in your letter, you seem to be inviting abuse.  Why?  What happened to your relationship with your mother?  With your father?  What insecurities have you brought along from your past?

When a family invests in their child, they want that child to be a success, not for the family, but for the child, whether that child is an adolescent or an adult.  Usually, they look forward to that child completing their academic work, graduating, and marrying someone who would bring him/her joy.  When parents see their child who they carefully trained, making choices that veer away from the values they taught, they suffer.  They hurt for their child.

The young man you describe evidently came from a close knitted family, one with values different from those you espouse.  You were as you acknowledge, not ready for a relationship.  You needed healing.  These people's son got emotionally tangled with your nightmare.  

When people enter sexual relationships or arrangements without first having been friends, mutually respecting friends, the coalescing of their individual load of emotional baggage could be mind boggling.  And when these arrangements are entered into as emotional maturity is now budding, the whole process of emotional and spiritual maturity could be derailed, to the frustration of those involved.

It seems to me that the young man knows the relationship is not good for him.  It is for you to determine whether or not it is healthy for you.  This is your life you are talking about.  Whether or not you feel you love another, your love for yourself must take precedence as you consider whether to stay, or get out of, a relationship.

If you only knew how right your father is.  I see it all the time, people at different levels of development getting together, only to realize that each would seek out people at their level, eventually, widening the divide, they foolishly ignored at time of infatuation.  

Wisdom resides in you, despite all you have put yourself through. Wisdom dictates that you look after Cherilyn.  It does not matter whether or not you are asked to wait in America while the young man visits Japan.  It must not be about what another wants for Cherilyn, now.  It must be what Cherilyn knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt is best for her.  If you are in doubt, then there is your answer.

A medical doctor must develop self confidence, not only in the medical field, but in every other aspect of life.  You are the ones society looks to to save lives, physically and emotionally.  We don't expect to see you walking timidly, looking back to see if somebody loves you.  Love yourself, and leave no room around you for game playing.  Do not put yourself in a position to be hanging on to another's dictates.  Decide on what is best for you, and even though it hurts, if it is not good for you, leave it alone.

Blessings.

Dr. ES