Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 6/10/2009

Question
Thank you for your insight in my initial question. However, as you stated, I am willing to get help and show that I can change. I know that I cannot change the past but, with help, change and work towards a future with my boyfriend. I regret my actions entirely and would hope that he can some day forgive me and know not to abandon me in these times to help me become a better person.

When I first met him, no one liked him much and couldn't stand to be around him. Well, I took it upon myself to help him become a better person because I cared enough and love him enough to help him. I know I cannot change a person, but he meant enough to me for me to help influence change. Well after putting my foot down and finally helping him change to become a better person, I mistakenly changed myself into this aggressor. Into this person I do not like and have become. I mean the aggression has always been there but I think that the thing we've put ourselves through and the jealous made everything worse.

I want to be who I was before but I want to prove to him that I can change and that I can work on myself to change. I just wish he doesn't leave me because he knows I changed into this person by helping him in the process. I know my abusive moment by hitting him in the face didn't help my situation much. I never meant for it to happen but it did. He knows I can be a good person, but I was caught up in the moment and finally expressed everything that was suppressed inside. I mean his friends and family does not like me anymore and he has been seeing me on the low because I know he still truly loves me. But I want to know, with everything said, how we should continue our relationship. Presently he claims we are not together. This scenario happened 2 weeks ago and I know he needs time to heal and I told him I am willing to wait for him until he is ready to come back to me. But in the mean time he states he can only see me discreetly -  for him and I to still enjoy each other company and "mess around" if you catch my drift. However, I want to be with him and he says he can't make any promises now and that he doesn't hate me, that he only hates what I've done. But I express to him that I am willing to wait but he tells me he isn’t asking me to wait and because he does not know what the future holds.

How am I able to help myself and still continue to be in a relationship with him?  

Answer
Israel,

I can advise you about what I think is best for you, but truth is you have to work from where you are; and do what you need to do now to survive emotionally.  

I can say this much, you need to be in therapy.  You need to be in therapy.  I have repeated this statement for emphasis.  The way you are going is the sure way to a life of unhappiness.  This looking to a person for your happiness, this fixation you seem to have on this young man even though his loved ones evidently don't feel the relationship is healthy for you or for him, do you think this will bring you satisfaction?

Think through your situation.  You have the answer within you.  Do not be afraid to walk away from a relationship if it is not healthy.  Do not be afraid to go and find a therapist and stay in therapy until you can manage yourself responsibly.  Your life is too precious for you to start from now running it aground.

Your importance is intrinsic.  It is not dependent on a man agreeing to be with you.  You do not have to beg anyone to be with you.  You can't fix up a faulty man, and hope that out of gratitude he would be with you.  People are not like that.  You might think that because of you others now like the young man, but you are not the only influence in his life.  His family would have also been helping him.  As you value yourself others would value you.  Part of valuing yourself is not making it possible for others to reject you.  When you push yourself onto another you give them the opportunity to push you off.  

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect.  The young man says he does not want you to wait on him no doubt because he does not want to limit himself to you.  He evidently wants to give himself the freedom to choose any other.  This is not a rejection of you.  It is caution about the quality of communication he has with you.  He has a right to choose the quality of interactions he wants in a relationship.  The honorable thing for you to do, is respect his request that you not wait for him.  

Time spent trying to get him to come back to you would be better spent in therapy learning to respect, love, honor, and value yourself.  When you become aware of how precious you are and the possibilities you open up for yourself when you accept yourself with self confidence you would be amazed at how calm you would feel, and with what ease you could let others go their way without trying to hold on to any.

Learn to appreciate and love yourself, and see how people's attitude towards you change.

Dr. ES