Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/9/2009

Question
I have been with my partner for nearly 18 months. He is very ambitious and driven and after previously earning a large amount in his fathers company, the company was sold on and he is now working his way into being a share holder in a large business with friends, although on a moderate wage in comparison to previously.
For the first few months we were together he had a lot of money remaining from his first company and we had a great time together, he was always happy, and was a strong marijuana user which i am not.
As time went on i slowly started to notice an aggressive streak in him which appeared when he got wound up by situations.
A year ago I decided that his anger was too much for me to take and attempted to split from him. He circled my local area until he found me walking to a friends and physically attacked me in the street, leaving a cigarette burn mark on my neck. Upon saying he would change, I took him back.
Now it has got to the point, a year on, where I am scared not to answer my phone, as this winds him up to the point where he threatens to slit my throat, and has turned up at my house uninvited and pushed me up against the wall with his fist clenched against my face.
He has given up the marijuana in an attempt to make his life straight for both me and his business, as i felt this would help his anxiety and therefore his anger, however now i believe that maybe it is just the way he is. He calls me names that he knows will shock and offend me to my core, and has threatened to hurt my closest friends and family purely from occasions when i have 'wound him up' - which are never intentional on my part, and always over something as ridiculous as me not answering my phone or disagreeing with his point of view. Hours later when it's sunk in what he has done, i get a flimsy attempt at an apology and if i do not sound happy, he accuses me of carrying the arguement on and then the process begins again.
I have considered a restraining order to ensure he keeps away, but he has told me that will not stop him and i am sure he is being honest.
What do you think i should do? And do you think his behaviour is fuelled by his work situation? As all he seems to care about is money.
Whenever i have tried to end our relationship, he either accuses me of wasting his time and threatens to come to my house and teach me a lesson for it, or becomes obsessed with trying to make us work and persuade me to return to him, hence why he has given up marijuana from a previous split.
I do not know what to do anymore or how to deal with the situation, I love him but I can't live like this anymore

Answer
Dear Mary,
This is a very scary situation and my heart goes out to you as I have read your story.  I can say with complete confidence that his controlling, aggressive and abusive behavior is not caused by his work situation.  That may have been a trigger, but it is not the cause.  

When individuals act this way it is because they are using control, aggression, intimidation and manipulation as coping mechanisms to get what they want out of life.  His behavior "may" work in the corporate world, but it absolutely does not work in a relationship.

You are in serious danger.  This individual has threatened you with bodily harm, threatened your life and is stalking you.  I am unfamiliar with the laws in the UK regarding these things, but my best advice to you would be to speak to someone who can advise you legally so that you know what you can do to protect yourself.  If you have a women's center or a domestic violence organization, please call them.  They deal with this kind of thing all the time and usually have resources available to help victims, whether it is court advocacy or abuse counseling or whatever.  I would recommend abuse counseling very strongly.  Being in these kinds of relationships has a detrimental effect on your well being and how you think of yourself.  At the very least, invest in yourself that way.

This guy sounds serious and the unfortunate thing is that if they want to do you harm, they often can.  This is why you need legal advice.  Don't let him in your home. If he has a key, change the locks. If he attacks you, call the police and report him...however if you go the legal route, you have to follow through, keep following through and press charges otherwise it is all for nothing.  These are some of the obvious things you can do.  You, however, know your circumstances much better than I, so please tailor my advice to your situation.  

You are right...you can't live like this anymore.  Do you have family that you can stay with or who can stay with you?  Are there friends who will help you.  Building a support network and devising a plan for what to do if he attacks you, tries to break in, corners you on the street or whatever he does will give you some confidence.  Knowing ahead of time what you are going to do in any given situation allows you to rely on the plan rather than trying to think in a moment of panic.  

I truly wish you well and will be praying for you.  Information will be a good friend because the more you know, the more you will be able to see through his manipulation and lies.  Know what your options are.  If I can be of any further assistance to you, please feel free to contact me.  There is a book that may be of assistance to you as well.  It is called "Learning to Leave" and it is written by Lynette Triere.  It is written from the perspective of getting out of a marriage, but you may find some good information in it since relationships are relationships, you know?

Blessings,  Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com