Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 6/4/2009

Question
How can i stop being abusive to my Partner?i have sent him abusive texts abusive phone calls raged and ranted at him in his own home but the last time i attacked him physically and i wanted to kill him.I now realize what a horrible person i have become. I make excuses and blame him for not loving me or wanting me when i love and want him so much and i am so frustrated ,he gave me an old phone of his once and it had a message and photo of another Woman , he was receiving cards and talking to someone else on the PC he left old correspondence around from other women from his past did not even want me to touch him and on this last occasion he sent me an explicit sexual message which i thought referred to me but the details said sent to someone else he said it was all a horrible mistake but i went into a rage and attacked him , how can i learn to control myself? i will try not to see him again even though i love him so much , i look back at other relationships my marriage and someone else i went out with and i see the same patterns in my behavior to a lesser degree please help me being this person i feel so sick and ashamed of myself thank you

Answer
Vivien,

I am glad you are asking for help.  You need spiritual healing.  Somewhere I read the statement, "He that is born of the flesh is flesh and he that is born of the spirit is spirit.  Marvel not that I say unto you, You must be born again."  It sounds like a biblical statement.

We are more than flesh and blood.  We are essentially emanations of divinity but when we lose connection we could feel so lost that we try to hold on to others and demand that they make us feel whole.  But they can't.  You have to find that wholeness by talking to that Higher Power within.  You have to take hold of your will, of your mind, and make yourself behave responsibly.  Make yourself leave others alone, and stop holding them hostage for your happiness.

Counseling could help.  And finding a church where the members believe in prayer power, would definitely help.

You, by just crying out in the privacy of your home, could on your knees, or in your earnest reading, find God.  But sometimes when our entire life up till this time has been spent in dysfunctional relationships, it helps to find a church and pursue self transformation, with the support of a prayer group.

You have to change, Vivien.  You have to back off and stop holding anyone responsible for your frustration.  Your frustration is your responsibility.  If the man you are seeing had other women friends, that is his problem.  It might mean if you do not like his lifestyle you stop having a relationship with him, but control him or what he does, you cannot.

Find a praying church and visit them regularly.                                                                            
Blessings.

Dr. ES