Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/4/2009

Question
Im 5months pregnant and my husband has been abusing me. Im so scared he is going to make me lose our child or that our child will come out with problems. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him I want him to get help. I think he is stressed out because he is getting deployed to afgan this year but I don't know what to do. He is in the military and I don't want him to get kicked out or lose his rank but im scarred they will find out because his abuse keeps getting worst and worst it started off ass him grabing me by my hair and pushing me to now where he is hitting me in my head choking me untill I pass out and even pushing me in the bathroom and making me slip and fall into the bath tub backwards and I had burse all over my back. I have tried every thing I don't say any thing when he gets mad. I have even tried leaving untill he calms down. It just makes him madder to the point where he sleeps infront of our bedroom door so I can't leave. Is there any thing I can do to save this marriage or should I just make my stuff and leave while he is at work? If I should leave does any one know of any places in San Diego that take abused women in and help them get on there own feet?

Answer
Dear Ashley,
Thank you for trusting me with your story.  This is really bad Ashley and there is no way that you should stay.  I don't know if your husband has seen combat previously, but if so, more than likely he is dealing with PTSD.  If not, there is no stress level that would justify the kind of abuse he is dishing out.  If you don't get out, or report him to the authorities, once your child is born there will be two people he will be terrorizing.  

Studies show that children who are in a home with domestic violence are severely traumatized and often hurt themselves.  Even if physically violent individuals get counseling, that is no guarantee that there will be a change in behavior.  This is serious and if he is already choking you, he doesn't have far to go before he might kill you.  It only takes 11 pounds of pressure around the neck for 8 seconds to kill.  

You have to determine whether turning him in would be beneficial for you or if he would then retaliate further. There is some power in having leverage to notify the authorities with the threat of serious consequences.  There is no way that you can save this relationship unless he makes a serious commitment to get professional help.  In doing that, the military will find out unless there is a veterans center in your area.   I know San Diego must have a women's center or a domestic violence shelter.  Call information or google domestic violence shelters in San Diego.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE.  They can advise you and direct you to local organizations who can help you.  If you are looking for help on your computer, be sure to clear the browser history when you are done so he can't see where you have been, or go to your local library and use a public computer.  

If you decide to leave while he is at work, don't go back.  Abusers will cry, apologize, promise the world but usually they take no action to change.  Don't be fooled.  If you are able to leave this situation this time, you may not be able to the next time.  He is dangerous and no matter how much you love him, you aren't going to be able to change that.  Go to my website, www.livingwellcc.com and click on library.  Under the abuse category, you will find an article entitled "the cycle of domestic violence".  Look at that...it is what you are facing if you don't get out and stay out.  Once your child is born, he will use the baby as a bargaining chip to control you further.  This has to stop Ashley and you can't wait for him to decide to do the right thing.  Even if he does tell you that he will get counseling and stop the violence, you don't need to go back.  Motive to change should not be to get you back...that is the wrong motive.  That is not motive, it's manipulation.

YOU ARE NOT SAFE ASHLEY.  Please enlist the help of your friends or your family, advocates or legal representatives, but get out of there.  This is not about love, it is about honor, respect and safety.  Get out now and don't look back.  You and your child deserve much better than this.  Once you are away from him, invest in some abuse counseling for yourself.  I can guarantee you that this experience has emotionally damaged you in ways that you may not realize....otherwise, you would have been gone the first time he abused you.

I wish you well and will be praying for you.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Please, please call the hotline and let them advise you.  If your family can help you get away, contact them.  Do whatever you need to do, but get away.

Blessings,  Kriss