Expert: David Simonsen - 6/21/2009

Question
Hi. I am a 31 year old single mother of 3 children. I have been in a relationship for 2 years now. This man is kind hearted, plays an active role in my childrens lives, helps me take care of things, and will do about anything that I ask of him. However on the flip side of things, there has been fights between us. Most, he may have initiated, but there has been times that I have. We only fight when he is drinking alcohol. He goes into flip mode like Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde and of course doesn't remember nothing the next day and what he does remember is distorted. He sometimes drinks everyday. He doesn't, live with me though we have tried that before. To me he is like a diamond in the rough. I love him so much, but here lately sometimes even when he's sober he'll call me a whore and put me down for the kind of parent I am because I choose not to whoop my children when they do wrong. Now there are charges being pressed against him for assault on a female, and Child Protective Services is investigating me and my children. I carry a lock of his hair in my wallet and I sleep with his shirt that was left at my house. I love him so much and most of the time he makes me feel really good and loved, I feel that maybe we could be like the couple on "The Notebook" who grow old and die together. Other times he makes me feel that he'd be the one to make me die. Anyway, here I am, not being around him or nothing and can't be because Child Protective Services told me not to have my kids around him. I do talk to him on the phone sometimes, and he wants me to come see him. There is a part of me that really wants to see him, yet another part of me don't. We have been off and on for 2 years now. Times we have broke up I've dated other men, and ultimatly went right back to him. In a way I feel that he's irreplaceable. I'm stuck in a situation to where I don't know what to do nor how to think. He says sometimes I don' love him and just various things that hurts me. If I get involved with another man, I just end up feeling closer to him rather than the other man. Please give me some constructive and productive advice on this issue. Thanks.

Answer
Sharon,
It is time to come out of the movie and deal with reality. Diamonds in the rough are actually worthless unless you are a diamond cutter. You are not a diamond cutter and don't have the time or training to be one. You have a disconnect you are keeping this unlovable guy around as a way to keep this fantasy going about the "what if...." That is foolish and harmful to your children. You have a choice to stay in this fantasy you're children don't. In my opinion if you stay in this relationship you are abusing your children. You need to erase his number from your phone, move, get rid of his things etc... He is an abuser and is looking for a woman to abuse and take care of him. Get out now before your children are taken away and/or he hurts them or you.
David
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