Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/6/2009

Question
My boyfriend and i have been dating for about 2 1/2 years. The first year and a half of our relationship was good until just recently. Well he is at college two hours away from where I live and go to school and because of past relationships I have a hard time trusting that he won't cheat on me. We have had this argument before and we have gotten past it, but now to me he is acting all bi-polar and I know I don't have the medical expertise to say that, but that is what it seems like to me. Anyway, this weekend is my birthday weekend and him being mean to me started on the eve of my birthday and has continued until today. He has also done this to me on Christmas and while I was on spring break with my friends, we had two different spring breaks. I kind of see a pattern. And now he wonders if we are meant to be together for the rest of our lives, we had talked about marriage with each other before, and this kind of upsets me because i have thought about a life with him for the past year and a half of our relationship. I asked him last night if there was someone else because I thought that could be the only reason he would ask me that. He told me no that there wasn't anyone else, but I have a bad feeling about it. He is also saying that I don't appreciate him enough and that is why he is acting this way. Please help me and tell me what I need to do.

Answer
Dear Emily,
These are good questions and you also have some good insights even though you may not think so.  One thing abused women do is ignore the red flags and you have listed a lot of them here.  

One of the most important ones is that you have described him as not taking responsibility for his actions and reactions; blaming them on you.  That is NEVER a good sign.  We are all responsible for our own feelings and how we treat others.  Perhaps you are not appreciating him, however that does not justify him mistreating you or being mean to you.  He could choose other ways of responding, such as talking about it, expressing his desire to better the relationship etc.  You are describing some very unhealthy coping mechanisms which should concern you.  

If you both are honoring and respectful to each other, that lays the groundwork for a healthy relationship.  Where you do not honor and respect each other, there is room for growth.  However, if one person refuses to grow, then it becomes problematic.  One person in a relationship cannot change for both people.

Counseling may help the two of you if you want to try that.  Please do not fall into the trap of believing that fundamentally changing yourself will change him.  This kind of behavior is something that has to be changed by the person themselves and cannot be blamed on the behavior of another person.  If he will not go to counseling, that should be a strong signal to you that things may not change.  

I am sorry to hear that your birthday was difficult.  I hope that next year will be better.  If I can be of any further assistance to you, please contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss