Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/5/2009

Question
Hello, I'm not even sure I have one question, just want to summarize my relationship to you and get some outside advice, because I have no one else to talk to... I am 19, my boyfriend is 19. I met him a year ago, at this time I was a lesbian, I just came out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with a girl was feeling very crushed. I met him and we quickly got into a relationship at the time, I didn't want to be in a relationship but he was pushy and would ask me every day and he said he loved me within the first week of the relationship. I said I loved him back before I really felt the same way to make him happy, because he would be very sad when I wouldn't say it back.

I soon found out he also just got out of a relationship with a 21 year old, they had been together for a year and a half... and also had a son together. Because of my arrival his baby mama, became crazed and infuriated, and would no longer give him visitation to his son. She interfered with our lives for about 6 months of just back and forth drama, we had to call the cops on her twice, she would show up drunk and screaming. She actually left him for a female, who she is currently living with. He no longer sees his child.

Half way through the relationship he cheated on me with her, he slept with her. We broke up for about a week, he came back begging and pleading... and I forgave him, because I tried to understand his situation, he once loved her, and had a family with her. After we got back together he started changing, being very mean to me. Simple things like me hugging or coming up and kissing him... he will get angry and shove me off. Everything started making him angry. He's always suspicious of me, thinks I am cheating, claims I am cheating. I have let all my friends go, because he hated them all and said I was sleeping with them.

It's been a year now. I'm too the point where I'm in love but I'm fed up. It's a battle just to get a slight of affection out of him. And he thinks he's right. I try to calmly communicate with him about things and he'll get angry at me, ignore me, or physically hurt me for bringing up issues he does not want to discuss. The only way he shows me a slight of love is by gifts... which I don't want, I accept them and appreciate them or he will get upset with me, but I would rather have emotional gifts, not materials.

In the beginning I was very emotional, after a year with him.. I've bottled up my feelings, because if I would cry in situations he would sarcastically laugh it me, and say I'm ridiculous. He calls me crazy, calls me a whore, and says he hates me all the time. All the bottling up of my feelings, is starting to make me have explosive anger just like him, which makes him react towards me even worse. I don't want to let him go.  I just want him to be more affectionate... communicate with me...
He blames his "emotionlessness" on his past. He got kicked out of his house when he was 16, and has a hard life...

I believe he is treating me badly but wont let me go in a way for revenge of what his baby mama did to him... but I am not the one that should be hurting for it, I want him to move on and trust me.

He denies theres any problems in our relationship. Claims he loves me coldly. And won't break up. But I now feel like we are just angry people living together, fighting everyday, still having sex, but I believe he is wishing he was with someone else.

Answer
Dear Cat,
In response to your question, can I fix him, the answer is simply no.  This is a verbally abusive relationship at the very minimum, add to that the behavior of withdrawing love and you have some real unhealthy stuff going on.

If he is unable to see what he's doing, take responsibility for it and seek help to change, my best advice for you would be to move on.  This isn't going to get any better.  If you would like a visual representation of an abusive relationship, go to my website www.livingwellcc.com and click on library.  Under the category of abuse, there is an article called "The cycle of domestic violence".  Download that and read it over...you'll see some signs you probably hadn't thought about before.

Yes, if he was more affectionate and communicative it might be better, but these kinds of issues are more complicated than that.  There are underlying behavior patterns, belief systems and anger issues that need to be addressed and if he is unwilling to do that, I'm not sure there is much hope for change.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but abuse is a very predictable pattern with predictable treatments which are all based on the abusers willingness and motivation to work on the issues which cause it.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I truly wish you well.

Blessings,  Kriss