Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/3/2009

Question
When me and my boyfriend started dating, I knew he had been abusive in a past relationship. He has never done anything bad to me except talk about me sometimes. But last night it changed a little. We were drinking and he just got mad at me. I tried to go to sleep. He made me get out of bed. When I got out of bed, he starting saying mean things. I didn't say anything back because I knew how he gets. I told his i had to use the bathroom and he wouldn't let me go he started choking me. then he had me down on the ground and told me to just pee on the floor. I did because he wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. He made me clean it up or he threatened to press my head into the carpet. I grabbed a knife and threatened him. He said kill me. We ended up going to bed. He apologized this morning. I love him so much and I want him to get help. What should i do stay or leave it alone or what? I need help with this.

Answer
Dear Marie,
If your boyfriend has already progressed to choking you, he doesn't have far to go in order to inflict serious injury or death.  It takes 11 pounds of pressure around your neck for 8 seconds to kill you.  

It's fine to love him and to want him to get help, but you don't have to be around for him to do that.  This isn't about love at this point, it is about safety, respect and honor....none of which you are getting.  Most physical abusers have chosen violence, fear and intimidation as a coping mechanism and need long term professional help in order to deal with that.  If your boyfriend is not willing to commit to that, nothing is going to change.  The percentage of violent abusers who are actually helped through counseling is small, unfortunately.  The other thing to consider is that when a person is under the influence of alcohol, their higher brain functions are compromised so if this behavior is deeply ingrained, the probability that he will return to violent behavior when drinking is more than likely, even with counseling.

Marie, I strongly encourage you to invest in some abuse counseling for yourself, whether with a private counselor or through your local women's center.  Your boyfriend has serious issues, but you do as well.  There is a lot of denial in what you are saying and there has to be a certain amount of low self esteem involved here since you are questioning whether to stay in a seriously dangerous and shaming relationship.  I understand the emotional conflict, but even in saying that my dear, this is not a safe man, even if he has good qualities. Not everyone is 100% evil, but this is too high a price to pay for the small amount of compensation you get in return. This is not appropriate behavior, it is not loving or honoring behavior towards you and it is seriously not safe.

Please go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com and click on library.  Under the Abuse category you will find "The Cycle of Domestic Violence".  Download that and look it over.  You will see that what you are in has a definite cycle to it and that might help you make some decisions.  He has physically assaulted you and can be reported to the police if need be.  Marie, if you took this behavior and put it in a scenario with someone you didn't know, you would have called the police immediately and pressed charges.  Just because you know him doesn't make what he did any less criminal.

I am so sorry this happened to you, but you are in charge now and need to make some decisions about how you want the rest of your life to go.  I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss