Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/2/2009

Question
Hello. My situation is complicated and long withstanding. I met my husband when I was 21 and he, 29. I have always been a mild mannered person until the more recent past. My husband is very critical and narrow-minded. It seems his way is always best and invalidates my opinions and thoughts on most subjects.if I try to express how I feel regarding his attitude or actions he never fails to turn the subject back upon me. Its always "well YOU'RE the one that..." He never admits to fault regarding our relationship troubles, however when I suggest it must be all my fault (sarcastically) he'll say its 50/50. I get so frustrated I close up. I've pretty much ommited him from my feelings and emotions since I feel they are never justified. If someone wronged me its my fault. If I'm feeling sad I shouldn't. It goes on and on. I understand that no one can make me feel a certain way, but a little support shouldn't be too much to ask. Everyday when he comes home from work, he'll criticize my cleaning, or claim that I'm lazy... Yeah I'm lazy. I'm completely lethargic with the constant feeling of incompetence and depression. If I do something it is never correct...if I don't do it I'm lazy. I can't win. I never win. I feel he nags. He goes on and on about things that I do... Or don't do and eventually I tire of it and retreat. He keeps going. I feel like there is a very distict line he is trying to push me towards... A corner he backs me into. I get anxious, and defensive and I go into fight or flight mode. Well since I'm in that "corner" I have no where to run and I fight back. I become verbally abusive and I start crying and all I want is to be left alone. He'd never grant me that. He'll follow me around bantering. When I've completely lost all control, he calms down and tells me I'm abusive. I have no doubts that by this point I am abusive. I scream, I cry,I call him names. I have a total meltdown. All I want is to be left alone so I can collect myself but I'm not allowed that. I want so much for this to work, but how is that possible when the one I love dearly can't respect my boundaries? Nor does he seem to understand the errors of his ways? He is controlling as well. If I leave to see friends or family, I am reluctant to return because I know the next few days will be filled with guilt trips and accusations. Its not even worth it anymore. I just sit at home and try to enjoy the daytime of peace before the nightmare returns to me. Is there any hope?

Answer
Dear Tracy,
I am so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you.  You're right, it is difficult to maintain any sense of hope and optimism when you are subjected to constant criticism.  

There are a couple of websites I would like you to investigate.  First, go to my website www.livingwellcc.com and click on the library page.  Under abuse you will find an article called "They Cycle of Domestic Violence".  That is the abuse cycle and it is just good information for anyone in your situation.  The second website is www.bpdcentral.org  This website may give you a few answers as well....what you said about him calming down when you've lost control caught my attention.  Many of the things that you are describing fit with this particular personality disorder, but I want you to understand that I am not diagnosing him.  I can only give you the information for your own use and decision making.  If this is the case, the probability of relationship success is very, very small.  

In a nutshell, this is not a healthy relationship, but it will take professional intervention for anything to change.  You are not going to be able to change anything because he obviously does not listen to you.  Many times, individuals like this don't pay attention until their spouse is ready to leave and tells them so.  That is where the cycle of abuse comes in.  If you set boundaries and you hear promises, make sure that those promises are followed through on.  Abusers are notorious for making promises and not keeping them, just to tell you what you want to hear so they get through the moment.  

Your relationship has the characteristics of one that does not permit healthy growth.  That is a sign of an abusive relationship.  You have no freedom to grow and thrive, therefore you are dying emotionally.  I would strongly urge you to contact your local women's center or domestic violence organization and invest in some abuse counseling or advocacy services.  These organizations usually provide this kind of service for little or no cost.  The hope is in getting yourself strong and healthy so you can determine what you want to do.  Right now, you have been discouraged, beaten down and convinced you have no power.  Although you may feel that way, you always have the power of "no" and you have to back that up with action.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I wish you well as you have some difficult situations ahead.

Blessings,  Kriss