Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/3/2009

Question
I hope you are able to help me.  I already asked this before but I wasn't able to get a response.  

So I met a guy online in April of 2006. We had an on again off again relationship until May of 2009.  That is when I found out by doing some research on the Internet that he is recently married and had been with this girl the entire time he was doing things with me & telling me things such as he wanted to be with me, get married someday and wanted me to have his baby.

He claimed that he lived with his parents, worked seasonal work during the winter & summer times, his only means of communicating with me was over IM's, and he never took me out any place in public after telling me countless times over IM that he would.  

He said he was single, looking to find someone to get married and have kids.  He told me about his past of going to jail for 5 years, sick fantasies he had, plus he's into some sick fetishes that I won't name here (they made me gag let's just say that).  He wanted me to participate in all of his sick behavior/fantasies but I always said no!  He continued to try to talk me into it the entire time we talked over IM.  

He would accuse me of going out with different guys when I didn't "talk" to him on a regular basis.  He has multiple ID's, on the computer, which he switches often; claiming that his accounts were hacked into by someone but yet he still keeps them open.  

He is a smooth talker, manipulator, mean spirited, self centered, saddistic, secretative, scary personality, childish, egotistical, bi sexual, liar, cheater, and user.  

I found out everything he told me were lies after finding his wife on facebook.  He asked me in an IM to not cause trouble for him, saying that he was happy.  I'm sorry but if he really cared about her and was with her the whole time he knew/saw me, he wouldn't of even pursued anything with me.   

I really want his wife to know what he was doing behind her back from 2006 to 2009.  We had messed around sexually many times.  I saw him around 20 times tops in those few years.  His wife deserves to know what she is dealing with.  She is much younger than him (22 - he's 37).  

I know I'm a better person than he ever will be but I'm scared to meet other guys for fear that this same thing will happen again. I trusted this guy with my life.  I'm not sure why since he's so messed up!  I haven't really been with any serious until up to this point.  He had me convinced that we would be together, get married someday & have kids.  

Please help me decide on how I should handle this.  I would like to tell his wife everything he has told me & to also let the world know what a LOSER this guy is.  I know that sounds childish but I really want to hurt this guy as badly as he hurt me.  (I have a feeling that it wouldn't matter what I did since he wouldn't care anyways)

Thank you for your time and in reading this!

Answer
Dear Marie,
This sounds like a very humiliating experience for you and I'm so sorry to hear how terribly you were treated.  I can understand how you feel betrayed and used.

This man is a predator...you can tell that by the age difference between he and his wife.  The internet is the perfect place for these guys to operate because there is no way that you can know who you are talking to when they are on the other end of a computer.  He could tell you anything and you wouldn't know whether its true because you can't see him face to face.  Meeting people the old fashioned way is not foolproof, but it is a much better way to evaluate people and more often than not, they can't fool you as easily.

It is hard to tell whether you will ever be able to hurt this person to the same measure he has hurt you.  You were fooled by a very smooth operator and you may just need to glean what you can from it, learn and move on, being a more experienced woman.  Revenge hardly ever brings a big reward.  If you should choose to alert his wife, it may be prudent for you to consult an attorney first to make sure that he would have no grounds to sue you.    

I really encourage you to call your local women's center and take advantage of any counseling they offer.  This has hurt you deeply and broken trust on a fundamental level that will need to be processed through...understandably.  You deserved better than this, but if you can learn from it, at least there is something positive that you can draw from the experience.

I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss