Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 7/28/2009

Question
Dear Dr. Sundar:

I really don't know where to begin.
Recently I had a severe allergic reaction to an unknown food, so I have been on a really strict diet. Overall it is a healthy change and the diet is used to eliminate any possible food allergies I may have. I need to continue this diet for another few weeks before I am able to re-introduce any of the offensive foods from which I've been cut off.
My allergic reaction happened shortly after I quit smoking.
I mention all of this because I wonder if it is the stress of so much change or if my developing feelings are genuine;
As of late, I have been disgusted (for lack of a better word) with my husband. His behavior has always clashed with many he's encountered, and I have always dealt with it, no matter how embarrassing the situation.
It is clear to everyone that he is pychologically abusive and for reasons beyond my understanding, he seems to not care in the slightest. He truly finds justifications for his actions, deeming everyone else as the idiot,the ignoramus, or crazy.
I am embarrassed by his constant patronizing (aaawww, is pumpky mad? She's so cute when she's mad) usually after a public ass slap or boob grab to which I react. He did this in front of my 99 year old grandmother just last weekend.
He thinks he's being cute when he behaves this way. I think he's being a horses ass.
He speaks to me like I'm a child and watches over my every move, constantly dictating my next. He invalidates everyones accomplishments while inflating his own. He is an intelligent man with an MS in Economic sciences. However it is easy to discredit his accomplishments when his argument for proving himself right is "I'm an economist!", even if we're talking about astronomy. It surprises me to think he really believes that is a valid argument.
I understand that much of his behavior is from a poor self image and low self esteem. I've tried for nine years to bring him up. I encouraged him through school, I've supported every decision he's made, even after advising against some of them. The problem is that after nine years of being controlled and not feeling respected enough to even get through an entire sentence without interruption I could care less anymore.
I am sick of not being able to leave the house when I want. I have neither gas in my car nor money to obtain it. I am left here to try to keep busy. I can clean, though when my husband is home he leaves things in the most convenient places for him, i.e dining room chairs, kitchen counter, any place that has a flat surface. I understand that this behavior can be normal, however in relationships, isn't there suppose to be comprimise. I wouldn't even mind picking up after him if he would let me, but I am not allowed to touch his things. Just typing this out makes me cry. I need order and organization in my home or I feel panicked and trapped, thus making me feel like a prisoner in my own home. I've calmly discussed with him my feelings about the subject, but to no avail. I fear that unless I leave, I will never find peace.
He loves me and he encourages me to do good for myself, but I haven't the means even to get a job outside of my neighborhood. I am so desperate that I started my own home cleaning service (with little success) just to try for a little cash to get me out of the house. My clients have to write checks (I clean estates and rental houses so they need a paper trail for tax purposes)which I have to give to my husband to deposit. I never see the money.
He dosent see this as control, in fact he thinks I'm controling him! He believes that when things aren't done or when I don't do things correctly, I'm doing it out of some form of control. I believe that I do this because I'm paralyzed from my own misery and lack of appreciation.
I've planned to go to a wedding, even though I know I will be scrutinized for it and my actions analyzed for at least three days upon my return, which is why I'm typing this... I don't want to return. I want to be free for once in my life.
I guess I can't tell if this is a phase, and I'll calm down when I adjust to my new diet or if this is really the end. I would like to see a marriage counselor but I'll have to go it alone and I don't see how that could help the situation.
I miss drinking.(My diet forbids it) I never thought I had a problem with alcohol until I began realizing that a lot of these feelings were being washed away with wine. I don't know  which is better numb or bitterness.
I apologize for the lengthy letter, I'm scared and frustrated and very unhappy.
Thank you,

Tracy

Answer
Dear Tracy,
I carefully  read your  words and  find that you are in great pain. I empathize with you.
Even though it is against medical ethics to pass a medical comment regarding your  body condition,still I want  to  let  you know my   thoughts on your allergy. I  think  it is  due to psychosomatic oriented imbalances. Stress of course is one of the  major causes and food also in  another  factor.

Regarding your  life and husband...

I  suggest you to  consider  living separate.

Further more guidance feel free to contact me.

You may reach me also at placladoc@yahoo.co.in

I pray for you

-Dr.Sunu Sundar