Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/17/2009

Question
Hello James.
I'm a 44 yr. old single female, no kids, divorced twice, the last being ten years ago.

I have been in many abusive relationship.  The men in my life have all been addicts, stalkers, personality disordered and esp. NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).  Pretty much all of them have been sociopaths!  In hind sight of course.  I have been extremely tricked and fooled by false charm and lies.  Since childhood I have settled for less than I deserve love wise because I was raised by a narcissistic mother.  I have worked hard this starting when I was about 30. This was when my first marriage failed and I left my husband because he was controlling, selfish and treated me like an object.  I knew it was wrong and I didn't feel loved, but I didn't understand what had happened yet.  At that point I began counseling and reading about what I'd encountered and I began to understand that although my mother emotionally neglected me and treated me like a burden, it was my responsibility as an adult to overcome that and find my own truth and not allow anyone to treat me that way.  I knew I deserved better, really knew it, and was determined, but getting it has turned out to be a very long road.

I felt strong when I met my second husband a few years later.  I did understand a lot more about myself, but still had no clue how to get what I wanted although I didn't know that!  He was a christian and a recovering alcoholic , hadn't had a drink in ten years.  I got involved in the church and it felt really good to me.  I felt God had been missing from my life.  I did a lot of healing.

Before we got married there were big red flags.  He had a serious problem with anger at times.  Looking back, his tantrums would occur when he felt he didn't have control over me and was afraid I was going to leave.  I wanted him to move out, so he escalated the abuse.  He killed a cat with a baseball bat inside the house one night.  He had locked me in the bedroom so I couldn't stop it.  Yes, I was intimidated by this.  He was calm and laughed after wards.  I was petrified.  I felt trapped.  I was stuck and paralyzed to do anything.  Long story short, I married him anyway.  I was hoping for the best and in full denial.  Not what I got of course.  He started going on drinking binges right after the wedding.  I never saw him drink.  He would come home days later and tell me about it, then be remorseful and apologetic.  It was all my fault according to him.  I fought him and tried to not let him put any responsibility on me, but it was useless.  I was a basket case and felt like I was crazy.  I was jumpy as a cat and was afraid to speak often.  I hated what I'd become and felt completely lost. One night he raped me anally.  He asked why I was crying, that he only wanted to make love to his wife.  I had no words.  No, I didn't call the cops.  He had me convinced they would do nothing and that he could persuade them I was crazy. I believed that.
Then, I started seeing a counselor.  She knew I was in danger and wanted to help me.  She told me I had battered womens syndrome. I learned a lot from her about what was really going on with my husband.  I'd never had any experience with addictions before.  I've never had a drug problem. He was a dry drunk and a sociopath, and very dangerous.  My husband went on to prove that he did not want to get any help.  He was intent on blaming me which I was not going to tolerate any longer.  I made my escape plan and left one day when he was gone.  We divorced after only being married a year.  A year of pure hell.  I was determined to be a better person for it.  I was not going to let him destroy me and I felt sorry for him that he had so much self hatred.  He went out of business and moved in with his mother after I left.  

That was ten years ago now.
After that I had extensive counseling where I educated myself on what I'd been dealing with and what my issues are that attract me to that kind of man, and why they are attracted to me.  I had to quell that small voice saying I'm not worthy.  I worked hard on it and felt so much better about myself and what I'm capable of.  My professional life remained on track, this was all love life issues.

My last counselor cut me loose saying I had a good handle on my emotional life and that I've done a great job healing and moving forward after all I've been though.  She feels I am capable of healthy relationships, IF I make better choices for myself.  That's the key because I know I believe in love and know it's out there for me.  I know it's about my choices and I deserve the best.  I truly feel that in my heart and know it in my head, but still unconsciously I'm doing things wrong.

I have continued my education on personality disorders and addiction because I have continued to encounter these people in my life.  As a result, since my last divorce, I've had many short relationships with lovers and friends because when I start spotting the narcissistic tendencies and their behavior begins to get disrespectful, etc., I end the relationship.

So to get to the point and my question.  Really two main questions James.

1. Toxic people are still attracted to me because apparently I still seem like someone they can exercise their demons on.  Sociopaths are masters at picking out the easiest person to victimize in the room. How do I come across differently to strangers so that I don't attract these people?  What am I doing wrong when I meet people that makes this kind of person think I'm a good mark for their b.s.?  It's got to be an initial impression because they find out once we're in a relationship that I won't put up with it.

2. I have discussed this with a counselor before but am still unclear how this works.  When I meet a new man that seems like someone I'd like to date, when the questions come up about past relationships I don't know how to put it so that I give the impression that I'm capable of a good relationship now and that I won't settle for less.  My counselor said that I don't have to disclose anything about my past relationships, but that's not very realistic, or perhaps I just don't understand that concept.
I want to be honest with a man about my past. A man wants to know why I'm not married anymore, as I want to know the same. No, I don't think I have to go into the gory details.  But I'm 44 years old now and to just say that I've made a lot of bad choices doesn't sound very good, or that I've been with a lot of abusive men...I don't want to sound like a victim because I don't feel like one.  I think that when I've said that to the wrong people they automatically think they can take advantage of me.

Is there a way I can sum up my past in a positive way and still give a healthy guy the idea that I'm a good choice?

Thanks for your time.

Answer
Dear Mellbell64

I have been married twice, and engaged twice more, and had extensive counseling, all similar to your experiences. What I have learned about it all is to understand that I am not a victim of my parents or my relationships and to laugh about it all. I am in a wonderful relationship now with a woman that was also married twice. We laugh about our past all of the time. Abusive relationships are merely God's way of mirroring how we treat ourselves. It is to show us what our relationship with ourselves looks like. If we have negative self talk, we will have negative relationships. If we are kind to ourselves and love ourselves by accepting our good traits as well as our negative traits as perfect, we will start having more positive relationships. The reason that toxic people are attracted to you is because you in some way still are hard on yourself and beat yourself up. The face you give to others doesn't matter, what matters is how you talk to yourself. If a man wants to know why you aren't married, simply tell him you have had lots of wonderful experiences in your life and now you are experiencing being single. Good luck.