Expert: Azure - 7/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi, My best friend of almost 15 years is in a relationship that I think may be abusive. They have been dating for less than a year.  Within weeks of meeting he asked her to move in with him and his family and shortly thereafter was telling everyone how much he loved her and how they would get married. He has a temper and have seen him punch her in the leg (hard) for no reason whatsoever. Im concerned that this occurs a lot but they brush it off as fooling around. In the beginning he was a great guy always spending time together but then all of a sudden he started going out with his friends, sometimes 5 nights a week.  He told her he was no longer giving up his friends for her.  She never asked him to do that, in fact, he was the one who had her erase all of her guy friends numbers from her phone and he in turn promised to do the same with his gal friends.  Eventually, she discovered that he was talking to some of his gal friends, some were old girlfriends. She confronted him on this and of course he got pissed for her snooping but never addressed the real issue of why he was lying about not talking to them. She has caught him in numerous other lies as well. While he would be out, he would text her all night keeping tabs on her and then at the end of the night would end up picking a fight stating their relationship was over that he wasn't married, some nights he wouldnt come home.  Occasionally, she would go out with family members while he was out with his friends and he would flip out on her telling her to go find a new boyfriend and then ignore her for hours. Its at the point that they fight almost everytime he goes out whether its because of him being jealous of her being out without him or her accusing him of cheating.  They would fight and break up sometimes; 99% of the time he would beg her not to leave him and that he was sorry and often made statements of committing suicide if she did.  Then things would calm down for a few days until he would go out again and the cycle would repeat.  Eventually he told her he needed more time spent alone which meant she was not expected to sleep at his house every nite.  He goes places without her or cancels things they had planned to be with his friends. They never do anything by themselves, they always have to be with other people. I notice that it always seems to be with his family or friends. She has admitted that the relationship is not good and that she can do better but she cannot bring herself to leave him.  I think she thinks hes gonna change but things are getting worse instead of better. She is a beautiful "young" sweet girl (she could have any guy she wanted) who does not deserve to be treated this way. It is breaking my heart to see her being treated like this. How can I help her break away from this relationship?

ANSWER: difficult---without proof of actual abuse, there are  no legal remedies--all other options don't begin until SHE determines it's time to get out; you can advise, suggest, plead, ask her to get counseling, etc, but many times those like her with really low self-esteem can't let go unless/until something terrible leads to an ugly ending...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: do you at least see this relationship emotionally abusive?

ANSWER: definitely, and probably physically as well...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: do i risk our friendship by showing her this?  I'm afraid she'll get upset if people realize this is her/him.

Answer
i don't know the nature/details of the friendship to comment on that consequence, but i doubt some so called "expert's" opinion based upon your analysis of her scenario will make her come to her senses--she may just get more defensive; i'd suggest the approach as mentioned in the first answer, perhaps getting a small group of friends/family members to join in offering their concern and advice...the only other option is to get 3/4 big burly guys that can go to pay a visit to this guy and suggest that he no longer contact your friend...