Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 7/4/2009

Question
Hello,
My question basically is this, I've been married for about 9
years, but I've been with my wife for 14 to 15 years. I have
to go back to when we started dating when she would argue
with other people over the most trivial things, they messed
up her order, she would curse them out, or if someone would
hint what could be considered offensive, boy you had it
coming. Back then I really didn't mind as long as it wasn't
me. As time went by that same feistiness and confrontational
attitude was now focused on me for some of the most trivial
things. We got threw it as time went on, but I started
finding out more about her past; Her father was an alcoholic, womanizer, he several families in the same area,
her mom and dad would argue and physically assault one
another in front of her and her sibling. She would then
become pregnant at the age 14, and move out her moms house
after having her first child. After 2 more kids after the
first she marries babies father. The father of the babies
was abusive he physically assaulted her as well as verbally,
made her do drugs, gave STD's, would run around and cheat on
her with women she knew. The only thing that made her leave
was the father or ex-husband went on week long drug vacation   
were he sold the babies winter clothes to finance the drugs
in the middle of winter. The ex-husbands family had to get
her out of the situation. I think several years went by and
she joined the army, this is where I met her. I said all
that to ask if her past relationship with her parents and
ex-husband would have lingering effects. I'm not a expert or
anything like that but my common sense tells me yes.If you
agree then what should I do now, cause I'm being blamed for
the way she is and I know it is much deeper then me. I find
that she never lets anything go, we can be disagreeing about
something and she would bring up something that happen 10
years ago. So with this not only is confrontational but she
resentful. If I make a mistake I never live down, you best
believe that will be stored in the memory bank for later
use. Right now we are separated and I think we are going
down painful road of, well you know. I want to know what
should I do to show she needs help for past, because it
hunts her deep in her mind. She's in denial I believe. So
what should I do, and brutally honest.
Thanks
LSR

Answer
Dear LSR

You have to imagine what growing up and learning about love must have been like for her. She probably has a deep commitment and need for love, the problem is what she thinks love is. If all she has known is that people tell her that they love her and then beat her up, etc. then that is how she is going to "love" you. It isn't that she is in denial, she probably does love you and is loving you the way she learned to love. It is very difficult to change your subconscious definition of love, so you have to decide whether to stick it out and get more of the same or leave.