Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 7/18/2009

Question
Hi. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and we are completely in love with each other. During the first few months of our relationship, we would engage in sexual activity relatively frequently and it seemed to me like she was enjoying herself. However, as the relationship went on we began to do it less and less until it got to the point where we don't at all anymore. I thought it was because of me and perhaps it was that she was no longer attracted to me so one night we sat down and talked about it. As it turned out, she was raped when she was younger. She said that she doesn't enjoy sexual activity and doesn't think it is part of maintaining a healthy relationship. She told me that she actually feels a strong repulsion to sexual activity, even to the point where she physically gets sick from it. When I asked her if she enjoyed the times we had engaged in sex, she said there were a few times where she did, but that more often than not she only did it because she thought that was what I wanted. I love her and respect her with all my heart and don't want to put her in any uncomfortable situation, regardless of how severe. One day I wish to marry this woman, and if there is no way to overcome this problem, I can accept that and will be satisfied having her in my life and knowing that she loves me as much as I love her. However, understandably, I would prefer not to be the man who lives the rest of his life not having sex.  I know that the best way would be for us to engage in sexual therapy of some sort, but she is so traumatized by the experience that she is extremely uncomfortable even talking to me about it, nonetheless someone she doesn't know. She also approaches sex as something that she does not need nor want to be a part of her life, and i feel that confronting her about it could potentially ruin our amazing relationship. Is there any way for me personally to ease these feeling of repulsion towards sex? Do I need to just give her time and show her that I will love her regardless of how little we have sex, if at all? I'm just confused and don't know how to handle this situation. Any advice you could give me would be extremely appreciated.

Answer
Dear Thomas,

Give her ample time  to be herself. Keep pumping love  to her.

Get her to learn  simple meditation.

Get her to a  counselor through  gentle talks. She needs to  'throw out' the accumulated  'mental dirt' due to rape.

Do not engage in  any kind of physical relation till you marry.

The most important thing is   that you both must pray to God  regularly.She will be healed



Have  a nice day