Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 8/17/2009

Question
I became involved with someone who experienced childhood and adult relationships where unconditional love was never given to her. She was never given the freedom to a) really be who she felt that she is and b) express those feelings or try them out without anger and judgment. When she tried, the reaction was either one of verbal, emotional or physical abuse.

I've tried to be patient and understanding, but when my own boundaries were crossed time and time again, I finally reacted in a stoic fashion by wanting to pull away. Alas, she has taken this as treating her just like everyone else even to the point of equating me with the physical abuser and saying that "everyone gets anger" when she tries to be herself.

I've tried to explain that everyone disappoints at some time or another, that everyone gets frustrated but not everyone stops loving nor does everyone cause verbal, emotional or physical abuse. However, through her prism of personal experience, she doesn't seem to understand this.

I've since recognized that my stoic anger is coming from my own issues with my own fears and trust issues. But, she doesn't seem to offer the same level of forgiveness or understanding to me that she feels she deserves.

So where do I go from here? If given a chance, I want to give her the time and space to trust me again. I really do love this person enough to patiently wait through her own healing process (despite the sometimes unequal treatment) while setting boundaries for myself so that I do not become the victim of emotional or verbal abuse.

As a victim of sexual abuse as a child, I understand the basis of pain that she is operating from and I know how to protect myself (all through therapy.) But she's not ready for therapy yet so I want to know how to protect myself but still show her the unconditional love that she's never gotten without getting myself into a dependent type relationship.

Thanks in advance.

Answer
Dear LovingBeyondLoving

Well, there is the trick, isn't it? You say you want to love this person if they behave like you want them to. It doesn't work this way. If you don't love her and completely accept her the way she is you do not love her unconditionally. So you have to decide whether to accept her as she is or at least quit expecting her to change. All people change if you give them the space to change. But if you are expecting her to act differently in order for you to be comfortable, you might as well end the relationship now.